Coming to a close

as my home has been on the market for a little over one month and there has been very good "foot traffic" as my realtor calls it. Talks with my bank, Downey Savings proved exhausting and futile. Inspite of everything, a single woman working part-time with a 15 year old son cannot afford to live in a home anywhere in California. Faced with the facts, even if I could rent out my in-law apartment downstairs and make part of my monthly mortgage, there are still maintenance issues that come up every other month.
My now beautiful home will belong to someone else. With all that I've been through this past two months, home, realtors, maintenance, work, my RA has been the least of my worries. I am ready to sell and call it a day. I received an offer over the weekend, $20,000.00 below my asking price after dropping down from $565,000.00 (dream price) to $495 (more realistic) price. After advisement from my realtor, I countered. With a steady stream of people coming in to see my home, I am hoping for a few more good offers which I can still entertain while "countering". With that said, I am also preparing for a trip to Ireland and London and will be leaving next week. I am highly looking forward to my respite to recharge my spirit on my journey.
I loved that fact that I lived by myself for a few weeks, without my daughters and son being in the home due to the constant flow of realtors coming to the house. The quietness, solitude and stillness that is in place when you live alone. I had visitors over which I very much welcomed now that my home had been "de-cluttered" and staged wonderfully with art and paintings that I accumulated over my years with frequent trips to "Savors" just two blocks away from me. My daughter is living with friends and will hopefully stay on her own and my son is staying with numerous cousins and his father while i'm in this transitioning stage. It has been hard on my son and I could tell by the way he visits me when he comes home to pick up clothes and such. "I miss this house" he would say to me. Just by his quiet tone, I can tell that he doesn't want to leave either.

Open House

My house is finally finished, paint, Spackle, vacuum, vinyl tile replacement, tons of cleaning, mopping, scrubbing, caulking, garage repair, install lighting, overhead stove fan, fix a broken toilet, donate stuff I wont' use anymore, frequenting Lowe's and Home Depot, store stuff that I need to still sort out, kicking out my brother that has moved in at his convenience, telling my oldest daughter Nani that she needs to grow up and go live with someone or anyone and go on her own, having two of my very good family friends, Mama Diane and Beatrice come over and meticulously clean my daughters apartment, shuttling out my son to his cousins for an unknown amount of time, getting rid of clutter and pretty much a major overhaul of my home. That's what I've been working on since the end of May to now and I'm finally finished. In between working and home, I've been so tired that I've been falling asleep as soon as I sit down for a break or any spare amount of time that I get. Today was the first day where I didn't lift a paint brush, box cutter, tool of any type. No errands to tend or any important tasks to get done. It is finally done. I rested until 11:00am and that is the longest time that I've taken out for myself. It was nice to rest and have this now beautiful house all to myself. My open house was yesterday and from what my realtor said is that the foot traffic was good and there was quite a bit of interest. She thinks that the asking price is a little high and we may need to lower it. I was in agreement. Anything to get the home sold and pay off my bank and hopefully have a little money left over for me. I don't want to be a homeowner anymore. The taxes, monthly allocation of monies that are needed to go to repairing the home and the daily and weekly upkeep and all of this on my own. I'm not a two earner family but a single mother of a 15 year old son who thinks I'm an ATM! I could very well do without all of that. My dream is not to own a home but to enjoy my life. With my RA now is check and medication working to make me work, it will be a matter of time before I really become disabled. I'm hoping that the time will be further along in my future or maybe not. I want to travel, take some time off from work and see all of the things that I've read in books and readings. But for now, it's work and more work. But today, I'm at rest.

Pua is MIA (missing in action)

again and called me to tell me that she had broken a window at her facility (again) and had her boyfriend Adolpho waiting in his car to pick her up to bring her back to the bay area. Those two remind of a modern day "Bonnie and Clyde". Now she is Redwood City living with her boyfriend who is living with his Aunt and some odd children in a crowded two bedroom apartment. I'm not sure she will last long in her state without her medication and I'm sure she will start to wear as the week goes along. A few days later she called to tell me that she was arguing with Adolpho and wanted to seek refuge at my house. I told her "no" and that she should work out whatever problems she has with him and to communicate her concerns. Eventually they worked out whatever it was that bothered her and seemed content on staying where she was at. I'll have her over for a visit at another time.
I'm still cleaning and multi-tasking my home and very much doing most of the work by myself. It is an arduous task to get a phenomenal amount of work done under a deadline. Aside from working, I come home to work on the house. I wake up and work on the house and then go to work. I've curbed my working hours and have slacked off at picking up hours to get my house done before the Open house next week Sunday. Once that is all finally done, I will resume my work hours by picking up more to pad my paycheck. I am planning a long awaited International trip to Dublin, Ireland and London next month for my two week vacation. It will be a much needed time off from everything and everyone. I'm so looking forward to this journey. While my home is on the market, I'm crossing my fingers and hope that it will sell well and hopefully I will have a buyer by the end of summer. I'm optimistic about that, I have to be. My home looks great, I staged it well. It still needs some work, painting the front and back. Not huge monumental tasks but easily done in a few days time. Aside from that, I will be done with everything and I can finally sit back, take a deep breath and have an ice cold beer! My home will be on the market next week.

Happy Mother's Day

as I spend a nice quiet weekend at my favorite Las Vegas Hotel, The Rio. The thought about spending three days alone and by myself is selfish but much needed in my family life of chaos and work. Three days without someone by my side to talk to or have lunch with or to lay out by the pool is selfish, but how many of us can say that or have that kind of time or would want to purposely venture on alone? Not many and yet many of us do. I am connected with my laptop and cell phone yet the urge and necessity for human contact is first and foremost. I regal in my solitude and still feel the pang of loneliness but the thought of my flying back home to unorganized chaos is overwhelming and I sit back in the comfort of my lounge chair in the warmth of the sun hearing sounds of the waterfalls and children playing in the background.
My son's birthday is today as he turns 15 years old. A handsome young man, dark features, clean cut, tall, lanky and built, obvious from his workout with free weights. His voice deeper as he ages, is my heart and soul. I wonder about his future and hope that he has the strength to carry him though his life journey of human trial and tribulations. I hope that I am a good enough role model for him as his mother and sometimes father.
As I drift off to sleep, I think good thoughts and try not to worry about the negatives in my life and focus more on the positive. I thank God that I am able to rise up from my bed in the morning, to open my eyes and take a deep breath and put my two feet on the floor to stand up and take the first steps in my day. I am very thankful for that.

Mortgage meltdown

I have been in talks on the phone with my mortgage lenders as my monthly payments have been overwhelming since I was on sick leave for four months and not able to keep up with my mortgage. Foreclosure looms in the distance and I have done everything possible to keep from losing my home. Downey has received my packet information for a loan modification but it will take four to six weeks to process. In the meantime, I am to call back every week to check on the status of the packet and where I am in the process. There is no foreclosure date, yet. I am hoping that they will modify my loan to where I can pay a respectable amount a month and not some outrageous sum for the next year or two. I have made up my mind to try to sell my home and just be a renter. I am totally satisfied with that. I have retained my realtor who sold my father's home in Pacifica and found this nice house in Daly City complete with an in-law apartment downstairs. My oldest daughter, Nani, who rents from me has not paid me any rent and I have told her that I cannot support a 24 year old! I suggested that she go and live with her boyfriend, Sergio, who she has recently gotten back together with and has been seeing. I did catch him on my front door stoop trying to leave an overnight bag that she had forgotten and confronted him about her staying with him. Like any man, he made up excuses that he lives on his own and likes living by himself since his mother moved back to Central America. But he calls my daughter when he wants to spend time with her to stay overnight at his place. Well you know what, Sergio? Take her, the hell, with you! Then I wouldn't have to see your free loading butt in my house! I did tell my daughter that when we sell this house, I will be moving into a 2 bedroom apartment for my son and I only. She's welcome to stay with us, but it will out in the front living room. It is very hard to live in California to afford a home or apartment here. Adult children moving back in with their parents. Children don't want to help their parents out with much especially if the adult children's money is going to important things like, partying with their friends. They eat your food, use your laundry detergent and have no decency to respect your home. It's the "GEN-M's" Generation moochers! I'm only speaking on behalf of my daughter. There may be more out there like her but then again, I know that there are alot of other self respecting young adults who do have their crap together and know what it takes to make it out in the world. Some just take a little longer.

Where have you been?

It has been some time since I have posted here. I have many half written and almost finished posts that I need to set up to send out but have not had a chance to do that. Work has been tremendously busy as well as my life. My taxes were sent out on the due date online only to be rejected by the IRS due to the father claiming my son on his taxes as a dependant and for what? The boy hardly sees that dead beat anyway. After re-submitting the paper and extra documentation by snail mail, I will again wait for their decision.
Also, I am trying to work out a lower payment factor in my mortgage in the hopes of NOT being one of the millions of homeowners who are walking away from their properties and mailing in my keys or the so called "jingle mail" syndrome. Gas prices are high, food prices are even higher. My grocery bill has gone up by at least $50.00 more than usual and we've scaled back on our buying strategies and sticking on what we really need or are going to cook for the next few days. I'm stocking up on soups since that is relatively cheap but loaded with sodium and only for a raining day to fill in.
I've been picking up lots of hours at work and padding my paycheck to counter the rising prices of our economy but it's a no win situation. Just try to stay afloat and surviving.
My RA has been easy to work with as long as I am taking my medication. Granted, I missed my Humira by three days and I'm hoping that it won't be a big deal when I take my second dose this month, on-time!
Beatrice finally got her annuity rolled over into an IRA and is very estatic about that but in the same breath, she found out a very good friend and choir sister has passed away today and is feeling very sad about that. I'm hoping that my life will start to unwrinkle the numerous bumps in the road as I go along and trying hard not to think the worse.

Mental Ilness

is pervasive and crosses all facets of human life. The Harvard grad doctors make their diagnosis and hand down their unkind verdicts to overwhelmed and financially strapped family members as they listen to what the specialists say. How do I cope? How do I fulfill my obligation as a parent? The helpless feeling that I get when I can't do for my own child. I can only take a step back, observe and listen.
I have noticed a significant improvement in my second daughter, Pua, during this year. She is much more coherent, clear and a very good conversationalist. I haven't observed any suicidal tendencies and haven't noticed any more cuts on her arms. We are very close to where she would tell me if she has cut or injured herself. Her outlook on life isn't as bleak as it was two years ago where her mind was in a very dark place. A place I wasn't sure if she could get out from or recognize. With a very good mental health system at the Crestwood facility in Sacramento, they gave her the time she needed to grow into a young woman who today, is much more sure of herself. I am very proud of how far she has come. There were days during her teen years where I wasn't sure if she would make it to her 18th or 21st birthdays. I always had it in the back of my mind that a phone call from the facility or police station would be like a soldier in the military and the chaplain would drive up and knock on your door to give you the news about your child's demise. I would dread that day and to be honest, I don't want to think about it but it is always there in my mind. Pua, has grown into a beautiful young woman who has a lot on her mind. If I could get her to write her own blog, she would have so much to say as a young woman dealing with schizophrenia and depression. She has written very graphic letters depicting her life on the edge, the voices that she constantly hears, the cursing and anger in her words spewing venom on what is going on in her mind. The constant pulling and wires firing in her brain, the sometimes empty look in her eyes of one without a soul. The terror of leaving her at home with family members who did not want to be alone with her for their fear of her and what she could be capable of. I'm talking about my brother who is 5'11" 285 lbs and scared of his neice who is all of 5'6" 145lbs! For the most part of my visits, she is always supervised and I never leave her alone anymore with family members. Our visiting time is always together, shopping, restaurants and overnight visits. The only time she is out of my sight is when she smokes or goes to the restroom. She is not a flight risk and I trust her time out of the facility is doing her good. She is looking forward to getting her own apartment again, this time being a little older and more confident of living on her own. My daughter is a survivor and I love her.

I can’t you idiot! I’m not an able bodied person!!!”

As quoted by Sasha from "living with RA". I totally know that she means by that statement. People in general, we like to believe, are good citizens in human society. Working at the airport, I know all too well about the living and able bodied people versus the disabled and families travelling with very young children. Impatience does not belong in the flying world of hurried travellers and trying to be the 1st one on board so that you can get your carry on luggage in the overhead bins. We neglect to see this and in our own selfish virtue, we become concerned about number one, ourselves. Travelling in 1st class, they are in their own world. Once they are on that red or blue carpet, who they leave behind in the boarding area is of no concern to them. Usually the next section to board is the frequent flyer's some of whom it can take up to 10 minutes to board alone. Some of them will be agitated since they did not buy or get upgraded to 1st class. Others will be completely beside themselves if families with children or the disabled are boarded before them sometimes causing a scene with their unkind comments or dagger throwing glares. "How dare they be boarded before me!" To these people, I think, 9/11 did not happen, the War in Iraq is a joke, Hitler loved African Americans, everyone is alive and well after the Katrina Hurricane and our economy is doing excellent. I know that these are not true at all. But it is easy to forget, put away and go on in the minds of most Americans. If we keep remembering these things, we might be a little more kinder and not harsh with a driving edge. We might learn to find our purpose and live together just a little longer on this place we call Earth.

Finality

of it all. I am here in Las Vegas having attended a funeral of a co-worker that I worked with many years ago during my early years. He passed away from a heart attack and left a wife and adult children. Many nice things were said about him and every one of them true. The collage made by his family showed his life and loves. His true age did not show being only 71 years young. As I watched him being lowered into the cement ground vault brought me back to my own father's burial almost nine years ago in the same place of interment, the Veteran's Cemetery located in Boulder City. It was eerie and sad. My own sadness and loss of a parent is hard. It is still nine years later and I foster that void in a part of my heart, a missing link.
The final closing of the cement lid and the empty sound that it makes in the breeze of the wind. The harshness of this dessert region combined with the living and the dead is a reality check of how fragile my life is. How life is given and how life is taken, in the blink of an eye, the sighing of a last breath and the light that leads you from now to forever. Surely, If I were to be taken now, I would have so much unfinished business that I don't want to leave my family members without resolving much of it. I would so miss life, the breaths, the joy and my friends and family. What will they think when I can't say goodbye? If I love them with all of my heart and show them, then there is no need to say goodbye

Happy Birthday

to me. 46 years young, Rheumatoid arthritis, 2 adult daughters, one soon to be 15 year old son and spending this special day on a mini vacation with my good friend Darrell in Hawaii. Barely making it on the American Airline nonstop to Honolulu, we were given excellent seats in Coach. Spring Break is just around the corner and we are taking a big chance on standing by for seats to the island paradise and it is so worth it. Our hotel is just across the street from the famous Waikiki Beach which the bell boy stated when we asked, "where is the pool?" He pointed to the beach and said, "We have the biggest pool in the world!" We did alot of walking on this trip which was beneficial for me. Eventually, a beautiful convertible Sebring won out and we rented that for two days and toured the Makaha side of the island stopping at desolate beaches, cave exploring and in search of my craving for "Hawaiian poke". I was Darrell's tour guide and the price was right. I took him to all of the places that I used to visit with cousin's and enjoyed our tourist outing. We visited the flea market at Aloha stadium and were admitted inside to watch children playing soccer. There was a festival on the beach of Waikiki complete with a giant screen to watch documentaries on Hawaiian life, we strolled the boardwalk and sat out on the pier to hear the gentle ocean waves and feel the tropical breeze while watching the flickering city lights in the background. We followed the beating drums to the Waikiki Shell and were let in free of charge to view a Tahitian competition and applauded the winners. Our walking took us along the path of the Ala Wai Canal and the liquid quietness of it's water.
During the day, we would visit the Royal Hawaiian Hotel and enjoy it's signature drink, The Royal Hawaiian Mai tai enticing us to drink from the womb of a fresh pineapple. Deliciously intoxicating. People watching the Waikiki beach goers. Taking view of a parade on our day of departure. With in this short amount of time, we accomplished quite a lot. Darrell and I are wonderful travelling partners and go with the flow of our journey. What ever falls into our laps, literally, we take it and enjoy it to the fullest. Alas, our time to go home was the saddest having to leave for rainy California. We know that Hawaii will be there waiting for us to enjoy and it is just a plane ride away.

New Work Schedule

for the month of March and I'm loving it. So far I only work Tue through Thursday with four days off. I'm picking up as many hours as I possibly can to help pay my monthly mortgage. I have to talk to my bank and have them do a "workout" loan for me and lower my payments to something that I can afford and not live paycheck to paycheck. My last resort is that I would have to put my home up for sale on the already overburdened housing market and hope for the best. What a stressful situation and I'm trying very hard not to think about it. I have yet to do my taxes and am hoping to get that done sometime this week. Only a miracle will get me out of this and so far, I have lived on the whims of my good luck and fortune to ride me through most of my life and now, it's a waiting game.

Another Day

It's not enough
that is on my plate
a disease with no cure
no cure, yet, to create

excruciating pain
where did you come from?
where will you go?
when you are done

strong and able
I was once before
after you arrived
I was on all four

disbelieving, that this
was happening to me
irreversible damage
to my once healthy body

my energies drained
fatigue sets in
My question to God
what was my sin?

my body
red with rage
not from anger
my body
its cage

I have to go on
so much to do
will you let me
live this through

settled and uncomfortable
not trusting this
a slow patient breath
of life, I will miss

My disease and I, coexist
day by day
I pray to God
to see another day

Fatigue

sets in as my long enduring hours of standing and constant work keeps my body from getting it's proper rest. I am right back to my old self again working tremendous hours a day for somewhat low wages and I cannot afford to do part-time work. In order to maintain my mortgage, bills and credit cards, I have to work maniac hours. By the time that I finish my work shift in the morning, I am completely exhausted by the time I get home. I have little time to nibble on something to eat before falling effortlessly to the comfort of my flannel sheets and firmness of my bed only to wake up at eleven in the evening in time to catch the news. I had a few tasks to do today but was too tired to complete any of them, one of which was to go to the bank and transfer some money which I will have to do tomorrow and to get a lab checkup for my primary on my glucose levels to test for diabetes which is an annual thing for me due to that it runs in my family. I want to try to prevent any diseases that my parents had and keep myself in check so that I can live a long comfortable life. Basically, whatever tests that I can afford under my insurance, I want it done.

Piggybacking

on my wireless connections has been much harder to access lately. Everyone has locked in and blocked me from piggy backing off of their servers. Serves me right that I need to get my own wireless router to have my own access. My son dominates the Internet at home due to school and what not. I am left to my own devices at work or when I can get online at home so catching up on my blog has been a little bit more tricky.What a stormy day it was at the airport and sure enough flight delays abound. We tried to accommodate as many customers as we possible could with full flights and other airlines. I'm sure many misconnected and will have to overnight in those connecting cities. There is nothing that we, as an airline, that we could do to accommodate all of our passengers. I have a full shift today and tonight and will need to go home and nap before the start of my evening shift. I received a very nice paycheck this time due to the fact that I'm picking up more hours versus my sick time paycheck which was pitiful. I can't neglect my health and will need to rest when I can and hopefully I will when I get home.

Delay

out of Las Vegas due to San Francisco weather. My flight on US AIR was running about an hour and a half behind schedule. I was truly hoping it would not be delayed any further as I have a rescheduled RA appointment at 4:00pm. As a standby employee, I was cleared immediately by the nice male gate agent who gave me an aisle seat close to the front of the aircraft. With another SFO flight that was scheduled and now delayed, the agent working that one started piling passengers onto my flight which was now going to be very full. Needless to say, I made it. While waiting in the boarding area, I noticed "Dog, the bounty hunter", from Hawaii sitting at the slot machine area being closely watched by his co-worker/body guard. In a few seconds, his wife Beth showed up by his side and you can't miss her! I tried to dish out my camera from my bag but they were gone at the sound of the 1st class boarding announcement for Phoenix. That would have been a sweet picture.My flight home was a little turbulent as we landed in raining San Francisco a little after 2:00pm. I drove home to check up on my son and my home . I had not seen my RAtologist since December when I started my Humira injections. In between that time, I have taken a few blood tests at the lab and so far, he is very pleased at where my marks are. My SED rate when I first started in August was over 100 when my Primary doctor diagnosed me. My RA, one week later pegged it at 96. Today, he stated it was at 32. He lowered my Prednisone from one and half tablet to one only. I'm still taking one folic acid and one multi-vitamin daily. 4 tablets of Methotrexate is still taken weekly. He was also very pleased to hear that I have not taken any Aleve or Motrin for pain. I would really rather feel the pain than NOT to feel any pain. How else can I identify if my body is hurting? My visits with him will be twice a year and hopefully down to once a year unless anything significant happens between now and then. I'll still be coming in monthly for more expanded blood tests which he will CC to my primary doctor. I am very happy that he's happy. I feel wonderful right now and very pleased with the results of my medication. Sure, I've gained a bit of weight versus the pain but to keep myself in check and back to normal, it's worth a little weight gain.

Poolside

at the Paris Hotel in Las Vegas as I am comfortable in my lounge chair feeling the gentle breeze of the wind waft over my body and the warmth of the sunshine upon me. What a grand feeling knowing that I don't have to be anywhere at anytime with anyone, decadent! So far, I have not won anything on the silver mechanical monstrosities called slot machines. My budget was very low coming to Vegas in the first place with only one thing in mind....picking up my Starbucks coffee kit. Relaxed as I am, this will be my last night here in this beautiful hotel. I will be leaving early in the morning to catch whatever flight that will get me home in time for my RAtologist appointment at 4:00pm which was originally scheduled for today. About an hour in the sun was good and called it a day for the pool and started towards the spa for another workout on the treadmill and bicycle. I love my Diamond Card and all the perks that go with it. After an hour of working out, I made my way back to my room to rest and take advantage of my tub for a bubble bath, delicious! Only to shower off and take a short nap before going to the Diamond Lounge for something to eat. I met quite a few personable waitstaff while here in the lounge and it shows that they truly enjoy what they're doing. Rustin and Mario remember me from previous nights ago and nod, "Good to see you again!". I make my way over to my usual corner of the dining room in my two seat booth tucked away in a nook. Again, sandwiches are the main course with crispy chicken wings and dim sum rounding out the hors d'oeuvre menu. Drinks flow freely here and the patrons come and go. I take my white zinfandel and a cappuccino for drinks while noshing away on the canapes, deserts and appetizers. My belly full again, I bid adieu to the staff that has treated me as if they have known me for ages and set out to find a winning machine.

Bumped

After waking up at 9am, I finally got ready, packed and out the door to catch my 1:35pm flight to Las Vegas which was delayed to 2:30pm. Boarding was complete, standbys were cleared and I had a row to myself. There is only so much that you could do on a 90 minute flight which left room for reading and snoozing, two of my all time greats! We landed with little fanfare in the glitzy city of Las Vegas and I made my way to the numerous shuttle services offered. The bus was full of patrons as we made our way to hotel after hotel until we finally arrived at the Rio All Suite Hotel. I checked in at the Diamond Services area and within a few minutes, I could see there was a dilemma. The woman checking me in advised me that they had "oversold" their rooms with conference attendees and wanted to keep the massive group together. My room would be offered to me if I still wanted it and If I took the offer to be put up at another hotel, this is what they would offer. My new digs would be the Paris Hotel, $100.00 in food vouchers, $100.00 cash, $100.00 in gambling chips and a limo ride to my hotel instead of the taxi or shuttle. I didn't blink an eyelash and quickly took the offer to help out the staff. They were very grateful and I was elated at all the goodies that I received. I inquired about my Starbucks kit and she advised me not to worry about it and to call in tomorrow for details to the concierge Diamond desk.With my prizes in hand, my limo was a short wait and a short ride to the Paris Hotel. I checked in at the Diamond registration desk and was personably greeted by Jasmine who offered me a room on the 23rd floor at room 2349P. All the excitement of this day has worn me out and I couldn't wait to see my room. I thought, what type of room ends with a P? Upon entering my room, it was one of two in a corner niche of the hotel. With detailed elegance, the room was magnificent. A large king bed greeted me with a nice setti across from it housed in front of a large bay window peering kitty corner to "the strip". Another bay window looked out towards the airport and the mountains. In front of it sat two individual comfortable aqua green chair amid a large armoire housing the T.V and the ample drawer space for my personal belongings. The bathroom was quite spacious with a tub, shower and large vanity. The sign on the back of my door states that this particular room rents for $2000.00 a night, single or double occupancy. A third person is $150.00 extra! What extravagance!I needed to feed my hunger and visited the Diamond lounge which was the opulence of what a lounge should be. Nicely appointed in dark cherry wood interior and the waitstaff in black and white suit and tie made this lounge elegant and professional. Dedicated to service, no one waited long for a table or to be asked what they would like to drink. Liquor flowed freely as did the appetizers which were replenished as soon as it was low. There was enough waitstaff to notice who were the new entrants and if you needed another drink. They were very attentive and professional. Fully satisfied from this type of meal, I did not need to visit the buffet or cafe. Instead I was on a mission to find my machine in this new hotel of luxury.

20 Hour day

My work schedule was continuous as I picked up shifts and strung them together due to co-workers needing to leave work early and some much needed overtime. My payroll specialist will have a fit to see what hours I have accumulated today. My shift started out at 5:00-9:00am for overtime. I worked my own shift from 9:00a-1:00p and finished the remaining shift of a co-worker from 1:00p-3:15. From 3:15p-7:00p, I started the shift of another co-worker, who left for Mexico City with her husband. 7:00p-12:00a, I worked for another co-worker who needed the day off to be at home with her children and from 12:00a-1:00a for overtime to help out with full flights and sick calls. But that doesn't count the 4:00am wake up time and my getting home at 1:30am. In all, it was a very long day and I could definitely see myself dragging as the afternoon wore on. I managed to nap between flights and stay off my feet at times but I could feel the fatigue from not fully resting like I should have been doing. With my mortgage due and other bills close behind, surviving to stay in my home takes precedence. With all the picking up of my hours, I also neglected to take my Humira shot and didn't plan on missing today and will have to make up for it by taking it in the morning tomorrow. My company sponsored a pizza day to celebrate Valentines day and our profit sharing day which was a very nice gesture. At 5:00am, coming to work in the dark and leaving at 1:00am in the dark tells me that I've been here too long. Happy Valentine's Day.

Burglarized

My good friend Sarah whom we helped move some weeks ago into her rental house in Vallejo was burglarized one week after moving in! She called upon myself and a few of her friends to help her re-move into a gated apartment complex over the weekend. Darrell picked me up and we drove over the Bay bridge together to keep each other company on the long drive over. We met up with Sarah, Norma and Sarah's mother who were helping her box up items that should have been packed before we arrived. After giving me the keys to the 30 foot U-haul rental truck, I was designated driver since everyone else was too afraid to drive it and I had a better handle on driving large vehicles. Darrell and I immediately proceeded to load the large items and were joined by the everyone packing it onto the truck. Five hours later, we were done with 80 percent of the house and ready to move it into her new apartment. Maneuvering the large truck into the complex was fairly easy and the only hazard was the carport overhang which I did not want to damage. With Darrell as my escort, he guided me in the blind spots. We quickly unloaded everything in under three hours. Perspiring, exhausted and hungry, we took a quick break. As Sarah's diligence in setting up her apartment to a normalcy grew urgent, so did our departure from moving the rest of her belongings. Darkness swiftly descended upon us and it was time to take the truck back. With all of the unloading completed, our weary bones tired and ready to make the long journey home. Thoughts of a long hot shower and a nice glass of wine quickly snapped back to reality as we advised our dear friend to call 1-800-MOVERS the next time she needs a hand.

Blogs

on Rheumatoid Arthritis is plentiful and abound on the Internet. In my search for knowledge about this disease that has taken up residence in my body, I am the gracious host and have learned to co-exist with this foreign invader by administering medicine that will help to keep the swelling from gravitating upwards making my fingers look like pudgy sausages and from the excruciating pain that rides along with it. Of course there are side effects and a myriad of other problems that come with taking these medicines. My RAtologist is keeping a close watch on my blood and my state of mind during my appointments. There are many helpful and informative sights on RA originating from society and centers for health. Knowledgeable as they are, the blogs or rather reports are very detailed as far as talking about the factors, symptom's and depth of the disease. I find comfort in the blogs written in part by people like me that have a life, family, work and are trying to understand the "why me?" syndrome. I remember when I was first diagnosed with this disease. I was thinking, "ok, it's not Cancer" and I wasn't really too worried about it. After delving into the Internet on any and all information about rheumatoid arthritis, I was exhausted. The only visual material wording that stunned me in all of these blogs were the words, "No Cure". At least Cancer has a cure! My emotions were overwhelmed and I cried for a few moments at a time. There was too much for me to do before I become totally debilitated by this disease. It took me a few months say the word "disease" and acknowledge it as such. After a healthy amount of reading and extensive visits with my RAtologist, my state of mind is in a better place and attitude. I have learned to cope with this foreign resident and have given everything it needs so that we can peacefully co-exist one day at a time.

Super Tuesday

is what they are touting. It's voting day and assured to be a monumental event as we will have a first in that of Obama, our first ever African American President or Clinton, our first ever woman President. Who ever will win, I would hope the other would stay on as Vice President creating a Dream team power combination. I did notice many more young people voting and it is refreshing to see.
Since the injection of my Humira last week, the bruise on my left thigh has spread to the size of a quarter and the welt had receded within 24 hours. I called the nurse practitioner to advise her of this and she stated that I may have not let the alcohol dry, after swabbing the prepared area of injection and the alcohol caused some irritation and bruising there. I will need to remember that for the next shot which will be on the right thigh. After completing the thigh area, the stomach is another area that is open for the Humira injections just to change up the administering. I'm going to have to talk myself into that too. I'm fairing rather well on the rest of my medication and I'm still at one and a half tablet of prednisone, one folic acid and one multi-vitamin, daily. The methotrexate is taking religiously every Wednesday at four tablets. I will see my RAtologist on the 20th of this month and make sure to visit the lab for another blood test to show where my markers are. In August, my marker or RA factor registered at 101 with my primary doctor. With my RA physician, the marker stood at 96. Since my treatment began to now, I have lowered it to the low 40's. My RAtologist would like to see it in my 30's.
I have been eating about as healthy as I want but can still use a good walking program to shed some pounds and keep my joints healthy. Swimming is best and highly recommended.
I never want to feel that painful affliction ever again. My body did not belong to me and it was unrecognizable, inhospitable and a cruel, sick joke was being played upon my senses. I felt helpless and worried that my still young life at 45 (I'll be 46 next month) is coming to an end. Having faith and trust in my RA doctor proved that I would regain my independence with the help of medication and management. I have never taken for granted my life and have never been frivolous with it. This disease has caused me to take a closer look to improve my life and make it more enjoyable in my years ahead.

Broken promises

My friend, Yvonne and her church in San Mateo had an event that involved my surrogate family, The Evans. It was a night of music provided for by the Tongan Children's brass band, a slide show of the Church trip to New Orleans in October 2007 and a potluck dinner with Mama's gumbo being the feature attraction. It was quite a showing of church parishioner's as the event was an enormous success. The slide show was showcasing the church trip to New Orleans and their assisting in the rebuilding of two Katrina Families. Devastation is still present today with the help of FEMA and other government assistance slowing to a trickle. The undeniable assistance of relief only benefiting a fortunate few. Our government and state officials have abandoned this spirited icon of history and it's people only to turn their attention towards remembering their fiscal budgets and broken promises. No where in history has there ever been a mass exodus of peoples treated with the harshness and cruelty as the Katrina Survivors. They are a people without a country. Nations saw the devastation and we were gripped to our T.V. for weeks as word of loved ones ebbed out onto our screens. Monies poured in from every country on earth in the hope of finding a recipient. Well wishers sent cards, letters and offers of adopting whole families to come and stay with them. Strangers helping strangers. The hearts of the world reached out to New Orleans and softly held it's people close to it's bosom. Months later as the welcome mat wore out with family and friends, Mama would say, these ignorant people said to the Katrina families, "Get over it!" How can you tell a proud family that lived through a devastation that most of us can only imagine, at best, to "Get over it?" I'm sure it will be tucked away in the corner of our minds like every other major world catastrophe, but it will not be forgotten. Like the horrific Indonesia Tsunami in 2004, New Orleans Katrina and the cries of it's people, will not be forgotten.

Fourth shot, left thigh

Because I have to interchange injection shots on my thigh, I have to keep track of where my last injection was and because my mind sometimes forgets, this is a good reminder for me. I took a little over half an hour to finally administer the shot, again, talking myself into it and each time looking at the end of the needle. That is what takes me so long because I tend to psyche myself out. Once done, it wasn't that bad. I have to stop looking at the needle before injection to quicken my task, next time, that is what I will do.
The rain is falling as I hear it outside on my windowsill. I instinctively sense that most of my companies inbound arrivals will be delayed due to weather and wind. My quiet time to myself is everyday which I highly guard and treasure. Luckily my 14 soon to be 15 year old son is very self sufficient and will seek my attention, when needed, in the form of his curious questions of life. When he was a little curly haired moppet, he had unending and intelligent questions that he would ask me. "Why makes the sky blue?" "Why is a tree two colors instead of one color?" I would answer him as honestly as I could. If I did not know the answer, we would seek the information from a dictionary or search the internet. Now a towering young handsome man with a voice so deep, my thoughts bring me back to his toddler days of mischief and squeals of easy laughter. Children grow so quickly when you're raising them. In between working and life, they have found the time to evolve, mold and form into productive vessels of God bringing forth good values that I have instilled in them throughout their lives.
The sound of pelting rain upon my window stirs me from my thoughts as I regain my focus on my quiet time and ready myself for work.

Tiredness

sets in as I reduce my prednisone by half a tablet. During the past week, I have been feeling rather lethargic and wanting to stay home more. Besides going to work, I'm having a difficult time completing tasks that should have been completed weeks ago. I have all of my tax documents and somehow, I am not able to persuade my body to engage in being productive. Because of the inclement weather, I have discontinued my walking regimen but that is a poor excuse for not accepting the fact that I have Toni Little's workout machine, The Gazelle, that was left behind by my daughter's ex boyfriend, down in the garage. I just need to step my voluptuous butt on it! So where am I? Cooking, concocting smoothies and preparing for my work night while watching T.V. from the comfort of my nice warm recliner.

First full week

back at work and my mood has lifted immensely. Being in the company of my co-workers and friends have an amazing effect on my soul and a restfulness of being back to work. Today represents the last paycheck that I will receive as a true part-timer. After taxes and deductions, it is such a paltry sum that I had to smirk and decide which one of my accounts would receive the dubious honor. I won't be missing that type of sick pay any time soon and I'm am genial to the fact that I can pick up more hours as long as I don't exhaust myself into ruin.
The rainfall this weekend has been plentiful and the air is colder than most. Because of the medications that I am currently taking, my weakened immune system is more susceptible to the common cold. I have added a sweater to my uniform and have taken extraordinary precautions to not approximate myself where the infirmed are. My locker is full of cold remedies and instant soups predicating that I have a healthy day. What I absolutely should do is accompany my blender to work and create my health conscience smoothies, but I would like for my blender to be there in the morning when I return. That would take an act of faith and would have to think a little more on that herculean idea.
In February my vacation relief schedule will change to the morning shift thus I will be picking up numerous evening shifts to improve the quality of my next paycheck. Anything would be better that what I recently received.

Medication

lowering of my prednisone by half a tablet this week. So far I am at one and a half tablets of prednisone at 5 MG, one folic acid tablet at 1 MG and 1 multi vitamin, daily. I take four methotrexate tablets at 10 MG every Wednesday and the Humira injection every two weeks, all of which I have faithfully taken and not missed for fear of my stiffening joints coming back to haunt me. The weather certainly doesn't play any part in it's affect on my joints as I so often hear from other sufferers. I sometimes feel a fullness in my hand joints when I curl my fingers and I look for tell tale signs of nodules and deformities as my fingers stand at attention under my inspection. I am afraid of the medications in my ample embodiment of woman and I disengage from the thoughts of what the future holds for me. Four months ago, I was a wretch from my tormenting pain and surprised by the suddenness of it all. A misery I would not wish upon anyone and executed a disguise of my endurance. This disease was altering me so aggressively, that I was not recognizable to myself anymore. Where was that sturdy, vigorous, take-charge woman that I knew? The agony was excruciating. The loneliness was more inviting, yet, lacerating and extracted me from the human race. My advantage was my family and friends who kept in touch with me often with their talk of others with my affliction. I continued to help others in their time of need to keep me active in life since I was abruptly forced to stay home. In helping them, I helped myself heal and redirected my quality of health for the better.

Morning ritual

of nourishing my infirmed body back to health would not have happened if I did not take sick leave from my employer. Tho the disease is a lifetime of pain and medications thus, manageable, I am forced to take a step back and take a closer look at my life and what I'm doing. The constant movement, travel, partying and not taking care of myself was running me into the ground. The pain of my disease, rheumatoid arthritis has given me a second chance to turn things around for myself. No longer do I eat at the airport restaurants (if my friends treat me to a salad, I won't say no) and fast food outlets, was a matter of convenience. Now I eat breakfast everyday consisting of oatmeal or Malt-O-Meal showered with non fat milk and sprinkled with a healthy dose of wheat germ, no sugar, and two pieces of wheat or white toast, generously buttered. Lunch might consist of a tuna sandwich, grilled cheese, banana and yogurt, granola cereal or a blackberry smoothie. A hot water kettle lives on my sink and is always hot for generous amounts of a variety of teas provided for by Beatrice from her pantry. Dinner varies on what is in the freezer and what I can thaw out in time. Baked salmon with lemon, Beef tomato stew, Enchiladas with green sauce, pork chops, kalua pig, rice a roni, brown and white rice and the ever faithful crock-pot for just about anything else. A big hit in my household has been tortilla wraps. The construction of my creation starts out with any type of cream cheese, vegetarian or chive with onions, as the base, then layering a generous amount of spinach and like a pizza topped with whatever you have in your refrigerator. I top it off with deli turkey meat, nonfat cheddar cheese, carrots, zucchini (sliced lengthwise) and when I'm done, I roll it up. I can either eat it like a burrito or cut it up in slices for bite sized pieces for a healthy snack. I AM A SNACKER!! I love junk which will be my downfall. Cheese puffs and Snicker bars are my weakness and won't resist them if offered. I have cut back on it but only slightly and it shows in my weight that I have picked up during these past four months off. Alas, I can truly say that I am eating healthier and better than four months ago and I feel better.

Lord, give me strength

in tempering my soul, mind and thoughts with my children. My second daughter, Pua, went AWOL last night from the facility where she was a resident. Her sometimes boyfriend, Adolpho, drove to Sacramento, picked her up and brought her to his place in Redwood City. Then drove her back to my home to spend a few days with us. It is always a problematic reunion between Nani (oldest daughter), Manny (only son) and Pua (second daughter). Nani and my son live at home with me and Pua abides her time in and out of mental facilities and group homes. She has been out of my home since she was diagnosed at 16 years old with schizophrenia, depression and was made a ward of the state at her request. Now at 23, she infrequently comes home and when she does, it can be very chaotic at times. Her facility environment consists of a tumultuous, boisterous and many times violent atmosphere to where she has her guard up twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Patients that she may call her friend one day could end up fighting her the next day without any explanation or provocation. Tempers flare quickly and often in crowded facilities like hers. Word of her escaping her facility last night was a phone call to her siblings and they in turn, called me at work. The questions, fears and worries of how Pua will manage without her medication. Pua's fear and loathing of not wanting to go back to her facility. Everyone looking at Mom and what I decide to do. Tired and wearisome, I can only go by the moments in time. Planning ahead in this particular situation is meaningless. Erratic, Nomadic and unpredictability is Pua's modus operandi and just cause for not planning. Where will she go from here? It is anyone's guess.

Reentry

back to work since yesterday has been wonderful. This is my second day on the job and my shift involves being the meal planner, billing and security checks. It's nice to see all of my co-workers and engage in their witty and humorous conversations. They are an enjoyable part of my life. Since I've been gone for my four months, I also observed that the gossipping and tattle tailing is still going on by the same people that choose to live their working life by these dramatizations. It saddens me to think ill of my co-workers like this and it makes coming to work more of a process than entertainment which can turn a four day a week work schedule into a piercing brittle thorn in my side. In the words of the famous Rodney King, "Why can't we all just get along?" That statement and those words hold true in everyday life but it is the denseness of ignorance and unfamiliarity that makes most people not want to apply it to their own lives. It is what we are taught as a young child that carries forth with us into our adult life. I recently had this conversation with Mama Diane who is a young woman with an old spirited and knowledable soul and Carmen's mother, on this topic. We can delve into the deepest of conversation and I come away with an awareness of my life. Making it better for my children as my parents have made better for me.
At work, we toil on, gossip, drama and all of it's realization put forth in full view playing out like a disastrous scene from Shakespeare. Most of the uninvolved stay out of it, some can't help but get tangled up in the labyrinth and others just plain and simple seem to feed off of this commotion. My finding: you can never please anyone, anywhere at anytime.

Weekend reminiscing

as I sit here in the badging office of the San Francisco Airport, I thought about my visit with my daughter Pua this past weekend. Her mental illness now under control with medication as we compare what we are taking and it's long term effects on our bodies, another bond that we will share for our lifetimes.
My friend Carmen may be settling out soon with her car dealership who has underhandedly and unlawfully failed to repair her car. She retained a lawyer from the Glide Memorial Church in San Francisco who is helping in her endeavor. It's wonderful to know that the "good ol boys" can't win all of the time, for that fact that anyone who thinks that they can so smugly deny someone is an injustice and deserves to reimburse back the innocent person, ten fold.
I will be starting back on my job on January 16th and am very happy about that. I have been looking on my company website looking for hours to pick up. So far, no one seems to be giving away any. I don't blame them. This economy is sliding into a major recession. No one has the money to spend and the state of our economy has shot through the roof. I have reverted to charging groceries on my credit cards and considerably every bill that comes into my home is being put on my credit cards. I can't wait to see next month's Visa statements! My W-2 is online and I am waiting patiently for the rest of my statements from the bank to complete my taxes and anticipating an early refund check. Less than a month from now, my company will be distributing my profit sharing check into my bank account. I plan on working every day for the next month, to receive a decent paycheck. Other than that, I can't think of anything else to add this already busy day.

Fibroid

I finally saw my primary physician and the results of my pelvic sonogram came back with a lone fibroid about an inch long. It is the probable cause of my heavy bleeding once a month. My last successful, "Aunty Flo" was in November 2007. I missed December and maybe even this month. It could also be the extraordinary amount of medication that I'm my body has involuntarily taken these past four months. She immediately tells me that I can have an operation to have it extracted. That will cause me to miss at least one to three more months of work due to my recovery time and possibly losing everything I have or own. Or wait a few months to see if it has grown in size and then try to remedy it then. Or my missing "Aunty Flo" for the past two months may mean that I'm on my way to menopause which in turn will dry out the fibroid and cause it to shrink and slough off. Should my fibroid decide to grow, another procedure not widely known is NovaSure. I've been reading about it since a friend of mine recommended it to me after she read about such invasive procedures. It sounds like a godsend that anything that doesn't go up your hoo ha, in your wa hoo, or out your ying yang would be welcomed. One good thing about being off from work is the amount of reading that I accomplished, crossword puzzles that kept my mind agile and emails from friends and family has kept me busy. My HR man at work has given me the green light that my doctor has certified me fit to come back to work and start on January 16th. I am elated!

A few days ago

I self injected myself with my second dose of Humira. The first one was in December in the presence of a nurse at my doctor's office. It is entirely different having a nurse eyeball you and injecting yourself on your own with this type of pen needle device. It took me approximately one hour to talk myself into the procedure. Yes, I'm a scaredy cat when it comes to needles. I don't freak out, I just don't like them. I'm hoping that this would be more effortless in the future and I'll be more tolerant of my feat.
I'm still on 2 prednisone/1 folic acid/1 metaplex multivitamin daily and 4 methotrexate on Wednesday, every week with no side effects. I've gained back my weight what I lost before going on my leave which is approximately twenty pounds. My stiffness had gone from my fingers upon waking in the morning and I can move much better since being on Humira. I try to eat breakfast most mornings and being consistent with Oatmeal or Malt-o-Meal and a piece of fruit. Since I've been home, cooking has been a wonderful process for me and especially my son since he is the main benefactor of my cooking. Recently, I bought a juicer from my local goodwill store down the street from me and it has been a much needed item in my household. I juice everything, vegetables and fruits. With the left over pulp, I blend it up with a mixture of ice and yogurt to make a nutritious smoothie. I do know that I have to start on an exercise regimen. Daily chores, laundry and washing the dishes does not count. I have to get my heart rate up and start toning up my flab if I want to live a little longer than the way that I'm going now with my health and pain management under control. Soon, I'll be starting back to work and my rat race begins forgetting my good "old habits" and acquiring and sticking to my great new habits.

Building closed

was the hand made sign taped to the glass door of my primary physician's office. I was due for an appointment to receive a consultation on a pelvic examination that I completed last week. California is still battling the storm front that arrived a few days ago, leaving in it's wake, no electricity, closed schools and businesses. Upon entering the facility parking lot, it was completely empty of cars. Number one indicator telling me that they weren't open for business. I guessed that they wouldn't know how to call me with having no electricity. The grey ominous skies and heavy rains were still hanging around and the brunt of it would be here in a few hours. I had to drive the perilous highway to San Mateo and visit my RAtologist. Getting there was half of the problem with the recent and current rains creating havoc on Highway 101. With a few inches of standing water, vehicles were hydroplaning and throwing off an exorbitant amount of water on, often times, other vehicles. People were still driving way too fast for their own good. After giving my monthly blood allotment and making sure my certification papers for my returning to work was in order, I had the arduous task of driving back home. The grey skies had grown darker, winds gusting and the rain streamed steadily down from the clouds. Traffic had tripled due to the rush hour and luckily had slowed down causing everyone to drive at a snail's pace. A sea of red brake lights illuminated the darkness, drivers content in their metal tube on wheels, listening to their music or chatting on their phones, protecting them from the elements outside. How did the caveman survive? As I approached my home, it was like a war zone. Garbage cans and recycle bins were strewn everywhere, a thick padding of pine needles, leaves and greenery adorned the streets like a homemade carpet and fallen heavy branches and the force of the strong winds, ripped and torn away from it's mate, lay in a mangled clump of wetness. What power mother nature has. In her most awesome of fury, unbridled, we are diminutive in her wake.

Ground Zero

as an extensive weather system slammed into California from a cold and gusty Alaskan front unleashing hurricane forced winds of 60 plus miles per hour and continuous rainfall. I awoke to the sounds of blaring continuous chainsaws and could not fall back to sleep. News warnings broad-casted on the radio and T.V. that if you didn't have to venture outside, don't. Airlines were cancelling flights in anticipation of the weather here and elsewhere due to weather leaving passengers stranded at local airports during this holiday week as many of tried to make it home. Power outages were frequent and luckily, mine only flickered a few times, armed with candles and flashlights at the ready, I was prepared. Peering out of my backyard window, I could hear the angry wind howling and whipping through my leafless pear tree as the branches quivered uncontrollably. The dark, grey skies foreshadowing an ominous sign of destruction and danger. One of my co-workers called to see if I had electricity, his had been out since 6:00am. I looked at our flight schedule online and advised him that all of our flights have not departed or did an air return. To him, that meant that it was going to be another long night of accommodating customers and hearing their rants. I imagined the airport would be a war zone with the winds gathering much strength there due to it's location and is subjected to high winds all the time. Yes, the object is to stay home today and stay warm. With my days numbered of when I will be returning to work, I'm truly delighted that it is not this week.