"Terminate"

my pregnancy" states my daughter, Pua, as those words ring over and over in my mind. I am restless at this hour when I should be fast asleep in REM stage dreaming about images that I never remember.  After this weekend of listening and singing about the River Jordan in church and wondering why parishioners construct  a light kneel as they pass in front of Jesus who hangs up high in the church on a cross.  Gazing upon this figure that is repeated millions of times in countless Churches of all religions,  I can feel the comfort of his spirit letting me know that all will be well.   I've come to believe in miracles no matter how small they are.  I've come to believe that Heavenly Father hears us all and that our prayers do count.  I believe that talking with my soon to be 28 year old mentally ill daughter has some effect on her to the point of thinking about the harsh reality of continuing with her pregnancy and carrying a baby to term in the hopes of caring and loving a child with the fierceness of a lioness as she cares for her cub.  Something so powerful that only a female can only know.  Or to painfully make the decision to abort her child while in her first trimester because she realizes that her body is demanding the potent medication needed to keep her depression, schizophrenia, paranoia and the once subdued voices who are all rallying around her as if reuniting with an old friend to entertain, at bay.  She phoned me to tell me of her agonizing decision to terminate her pregnancy because of our talks of her possibly going on welfare, section 8 and relying on the Federal social system for help and no help from the father.  She tells me that she is young and she can have children anytime as I verbally agree with her.  I know in my heart that this can never be and am deeply saddened by how she feels as a young woman.   Her birthday is Jan 16th and it is time for a visit.  To comfort her, to hold her and to tell her that I love her very much.  I am very proud of her strength and the woman who she is today.

Happy Birthday

to me. 46 years young, Rheumatoid arthritis, 2 adult daughters, one soon to be 15 year old son and spending this special day on a mini vacation with my good friend Darrell in Hawaii. Barely making it on the American Airline nonstop to Honolulu, we were given excellent seats in Coach. Spring Break is just around the corner and we are taking a big chance on standing by for seats to the island paradise and it is so worth it. Our hotel is just across the street from the famous Waikiki Beach which the bell boy stated when we asked, "where is the pool?" He pointed to the beach and said, "We have the biggest pool in the world!" We did alot of walking on this trip which was beneficial for me. Eventually, a beautiful convertible Sebring won out and we rented that for two days and toured the Makaha side of the island stopping at desolate beaches, cave exploring and in search of my craving for "Hawaiian poke". I was Darrell's tour guide and the price was right. I took him to all of the places that I used to visit with cousin's and enjoyed our tourist outing. We visited the flea market at Aloha stadium and were admitted inside to watch children playing soccer. There was a festival on the beach of Waikiki complete with a giant screen to watch documentaries on Hawaiian life, we strolled the boardwalk and sat out on the pier to hear the gentle ocean waves and feel the tropical breeze while watching the flickering city lights in the background. We followed the beating drums to the Waikiki Shell and were let in free of charge to view a Tahitian competition and applauded the winners. Our walking took us along the path of the Ala Wai Canal and the liquid quietness of it's water.
During the day, we would visit the Royal Hawaiian Hotel and enjoy it's signature drink, The Royal Hawaiian Mai tai enticing us to drink from the womb of a fresh pineapple. Deliciously intoxicating. People watching the Waikiki beach goers. Taking view of a parade on our day of departure. With in this short amount of time, we accomplished quite a lot. Darrell and I are wonderful travelling partners and go with the flow of our journey. What ever falls into our laps, literally, we take it and enjoy it to the fullest. Alas, our time to go home was the saddest having to leave for rainy California. We know that Hawaii will be there waiting for us to enjoy and it is just a plane ride away.