Resolutions

I am not one for making resolutions because I am really good at breaking them, so I don't make them. I have changed my way of eating, hopefully, for the better. Since being home, I have been cooking more instead of take-out. Switching to more tea and water and laying off of the soda and junk food. My weakness is chips and chocolate and do find the time to sneak a few items into my diet for that. So far, my rheumatoid arthritis has generally improved. With the introduction of the Humira injection, my life has upgraded itself out of the stiffness category when I wake up in the morning. I am still on 2 prednisone/1folic acid/1 metaplex vitamin a day. Four methotrexate pills every Wednesday and the Humira shot is every other week. I'm thanking my lucky stars that I have not had any side affects from my medication. My certain markers or criteria that my RAtologist always looks for has significantly been reduced. I've gained back most of my weight from four months ago when I started my water and tea diet. I can still fit into my uniform, which I'm grateful for. I'm hoping that I can remember what I have to do at work and can fall in line with everyone else. That I will be strong enough to open airplane doors or tackle a terrorist should he get past me upon trying to audit me at the gates. To have the strength and spirit to accommodate the public should there be a melt down in weather situations and not be totally frazzled by the end of my day. I'm looking forward to seeing my co-workers and getting back into my working environment. Most of all, picking up enough hours without practically "killing" or exhausting myself to see a normal paycheck instead of the pittance that I've been receiving while on sick leave. I'm looking forward to the freedom of flying again as this time off has kept me road bound to the earth. The constant joy that I receive from my employment and my friends that keep me laughing in good and bad times. No resolutions, but I have an abundance of little things to be thankful for.
Happy New Years!

Remembering my mother

as an awe-inspiring, beautiful and sometimes fearsome woman as I look back on my sweet memories of her spirit. She passed away on this day in the year 2003 on the island of Oahu with my son and daughter by her side, crying, stroking her hair and kissing her head wishing that she were still here with us and letting her know how well loved she was and will always be. I couldn't wait to whisk her away from the stark coldness of the hospital, invading steeliness of her unfamiliar platform on which she silently drifted off to infinite sleep and the inaudible, unfriendly environment of her confines. Waiting for her on the island of Molokai is the fresh fragrant scent of the lush verdant mountains, the trade winds tenderly anticipating her spirit and the warm gentle lull of the ocean waiting with open arms for my mother's arrival.
Being the eldest, I was responsible to take care of her in a way that she has taken care of me all of my years. I had her cremated to be buried atop of her mother's grave on the island of Molokai. I was bringing her home. With my Uncle Ben carving an elaborate Urn made of the finest Hawaiian wood, she would be carried by the love of the families in this way to her birthplace. Friends and families gathered at the Mormon Church to wish her well and we drove the long red dusty road of Molokai to her final resting place. Gathering under the warmth of the hot sun and the tropical breeze bringing the scent of fresh Pikake and white Ginger flowers, scents that she loved, Bishop Keanini offered words of sympathy and strength to all in our own journey and to remember the life and times of my mother. With the braveness and soul of a ten year old, my son at that time asked me if he could lay his grandmother into the ground. I was speechless and offered an affirming nod of approval to him. With my daughter by my side holding me as if to keep me from falling, we watched as my son carefully picked his grandmother's urn up, walked steadily to her resting area and gently placed her into the belly of her mother. His small sullen face watching her as she was unhurriedly descending into her entombment and through his veins flowed her strength and life. She was proud of her grandson and granddaughters. As an offering, native flowers were buried with her to carry into her afterlife, the scent of her homeland. My cousin Lani strummed the ukulele and sang "Aloha Oe". Everyone sang in unison bidding farewell to a wonderful woman and mother. My memories are vivid today as if the event happened only a moment ago. The sun on my face, the tropical breeze dancing through my hair and the scent of flowers converged all around us making it a day to remember my mother. I think of her often around this time and the life that she has given me. I love you and miss you very much, mom.

Christmas day

and we have no signs of the Christmas spirit in our home. The artificial Christmas tree is still downstairs in it's box in storage, lights are still boxed up and ornaments are packed away. With only my son home with me and he being fourteen, he knows who Santa Clause is, the North Pole is a fact and that we are struggling for every last bit of money to hold onto this house. He knows that this will be a bleak Christmas as far as presents from his mother and can always hit up his father for that. He knows that he is well loved, he gets a scolding from me from time to time but in his heart, he know that I love him very much. His sister Pua sent him a B.I.G. blanket comforter which he loves because it's warm and "gangstah". Personally, I think Christmas is overrated and it makes us all go out and spend what we don't have to just be further in debt to credit card companies.
It is also the time of year in which my mother passed away several years ago and has left me empty during this time, missing her immensely. In my house, I watch T.V or movies all day, blog on my laptop, sell EBay stuff, talk to friends and co-workers and enjoy more of my quiet time thinking about my mother and father, my children, brother and sister. I think of better tomorrows and try not to worry because God does watch over us all and cares for us as much as he can, but we have to care first.

Annual Garbage Cleanup

which I receive once a year to overhaul my home and rid myself and family of unwanted items that cannot be taken by Goodwill. This year we had eleven bags of garbage and one lone bureau drawer which was infested with rat poop. Yes, we have a rat problem which my brother has layed out some rat poison to eradicate the little buggers. I don't care about the local animal rights activist and preserving our rat society and calling me a rat killer or creatures of the almighty, but when they're in your home causing a unholy mess and you're sick of seeing rat poop everywhere, then come and talk to me. The infestation has taken place in my daughters lower apartment and they seem to be everywhere. At least five of the bags contained clothes and blankets stained by the green poop, remnants of the poison leaving a trail everywhere they go. The bureau drawer was a Goodwill buy, infested and stained, with the green poop and had to go. The Daly City once a year that I'm allowed up to twelve bags no more than 60 pounds each and two large items. I was well within my limits. My families cleaning venture took us most of the weekend and up until 10:00pm. Exhausted and hungry, we decided to call it a day. With much more room and treasure finds for my EBay selling binge, there was room to breathe. In another week or two, we will go back and investigate to see if there are signs of rat poop or infestations. Rheumatoid arthritis or not, my life still has to go on because no one else will get it done.

Low energy

from my medication and I've slept until 9:00am. I took my HUMIRA injection yesterday at my doctor's office under the guidance of Jeanine, the office nurse. She started off by showing my exactly how to handle the Humira Pen, a long tubular pen like device with a needle on one end and a push button trigger on the other end. The needle is concealed by the tube and after I have iced an area of my upper thigh, I swab it with an alcohol swab, hold the pen, lightly, to the now sterile area and press the other end of the pen. I count to 10 seconds and feel a slight pinch. When the little yellow ball in the window of the pen shows, the medication has been fully dispensed. I take a little cotton ball and hold it in the area of the injection, but not too much pressure because that almost hurts more than the shot itself and put a bandaid over the cotton ball to stop any bleeding. With Jeanine's approving smile, she pats me on the shoulder and says, "Like a champ". Continuing on, she says that most men would rather come in for the one hour I V hook up than to administer the shot themselves. Yes, I was very brave under Jeanine's care. In two weeks under my own supervision, we'll see where my brave ability level will be then!

This has been one hell of a week. My TB test turned out to be negative and I'm cleared for the Humira shot which I picked up today at Walgreen's. I'll be going into to see Jenine tomorrow at my RAtologist office for the follow up injection and how to use the pen device. I'm currently mourning the loss of a good friend and am seeking refuge and comfort in this blog. My holidays will be very quiet with the exception of a few parties that I've been invited to from my good friends that I still have. I've just barely sent out my Christmas cards in time for the holiday rush and I don't see myself going to a mall anytime soon. My RAtologist thinks that I'll be able to go back to work in January of 2008. I'm very happy for that because I need to work. Don't get me wrong, but staying at home is wonderful but only if you can afford it. I just barely squeaked by. I tasked myself for the past three months and completed just about everything that I wanted to do. I want to get back to work! I want to start travelling! I want to start living! I want to not feel unwanted! I can only hope that next year will be a much better and improved one for me.

Doc meeting

went well. I'll be taking the next phase of the medication next week. I have to take a TB test to make sure that I don't have the TB virus because this next phase of my medication can bring it on if I house that virus. My RAtologist gave me three options to take the medicine, Humira. I can either have it administered in his office by IV and be hooked up for an hour, administer it myself or come in for a weekly injection. I chose the IV, not wanting to see any type of needle let alone administering it myself. He seemed disappointed and instead, he showed me this device that looked similar to a tampon applicator and that would be how I would take my meds. He took off both ends of the plastic caps (I still never saw the needle) and showed me how to inject myself either in the fat part of my stomach area or in my thigh. Then he pushed on one end of the applicator and supposedly the medicine would be injected through the other side. It looked very easy and stated that it would pinch a little. I decided to administer it myself once every two months versus an hour in the doctors office hooked up to an IV. He would have to check with my health plan to make sure they can pay for the medication. After doing some research, I found out that this drug can cost upwards of $12,000.00-$15,000.00 a year!! Holy Crap, they better take care of it. That's half of what I make as a part-timer! He also increased my prednisone because of the recent stiffness in my hand joint and the pain I've been in. Still, he has not taken any x rays of my bones or joints and I will make an appointment with my primary and have her take it. This RAtologist doesn't seem to think I need it and besides, he says that I have an aggressive form of RA. I would want to know where I am if I have any type of bone loss due to this disease. It's true that you have to watch out for yourself in this medical field. In the meantime, I've got a TB shot to watch for the weekend and am going to take it easy.

RAtologist

I can't wait to see him! I never thought that I would be saying that but in light of the way I feel, I need a shot of something to get this old body back into the swing of things. My "rhummy" has been really bad this week with the lessening of the prednisone down to half a tablet every odd day. Mostly when I get up in the morning, my middle finger on my right hand is now in a claw like position and hurts very much If I try to straighten it out. My pinky finger is swollen right in the joint area causing pain there. Walking has been a little difficult and it seems to lessen as my day goes along. My right ankle and knees are the ones doing the most complaining and it's definite that I cannot go from a kneeling position to stand upright anymore. I notice more sounds that my body is making now, the slight cracking of my bones in my movements of walk when I go from a sitting position to a standing position. Putting one foot in front of the other as the tiny bones in my toes even crackle. Weird and scary.
The turning of my head, I hear sounds within my neck attached to the spinal column crackling. It closely resembles the sound of a ripe watermelon being torn open, very slowly. I tried to explain this sound to my RAtologist but couldn't find the description for it until this post. Not being able to fully close my hand of palm means not being able to grip simple things like keys, and writing utensils. You take for granted what you already have until it's taken away from you. I'm sure someone wrote that and it's so true. Today is my dental appointment for my yearly cleaning and I hope they don't find my mouth too offensive. I'm sure they've seen worse. I have to let them know that I have RA since my last dental cleaning. There might be a different procedure that they handle, I'm not sure, it's just a precaution.
My Casino brothers, Mel and Jaz are taking me out to Hokkaido in Foster City today. It's a Japanese Buffet and it's very inexpensive. Succulent crab and fresh oysters, entrees of all types and the sushi bar is to die for. I really enjoy my time with my co-workers and friends and I'm glad that they think of me often since I'm not working and on disability, to invite me out. It gets me out of the house and keeps me out of trouble.

I got approved

from my company fund to help me out with expenses such as my mortgage and PG&E. I am so happy that it's one less thing that I have to worry about. My company takes care of it's employees in times of financial burden, disasters and other situations beyond our control. I applied a few weeks ago and the woman, Janet called me the other day and said that they'll be going into their weekly meeting and she'll be presenting my case. I later found out that they call your station to ask about the employee's performance, attendance, training and such. She called me Tuesday to let me know that I was approved and that they would FEDX an envelope out to me. I was so elated and thanked her profusely, trying very hard not to cry during our phone conversation. I would be receiving the envelope this Thursday. I told myself that as soon as I go back to work, I will sign on and start contributing to the fund. It is such an excellent source of help for the employees and i am forever in their gratitude for it.

Painful this morning

as I wake up to my right hand in claw like position. To stretch my fingers caused me to wince and grimace at the pain. What the hell is going on? Since the lowering of my prednisone, I have been experiencing excruciating pain in my upper body region.
I received a phone call at 6:30am and it was my daughter Nani asking if I could come and pick her up at 7am. I asked, "Why can't you get a ride home?" She replied, "He doesn't have a car". After giving me directions to her location, I hung up the phone, clearly annoyed at the fact that I have to get up . I took my medication and made my way there. The directions were fairly easy and I picked her up outside of an apartment complex. As she climbed into the truck, she could sense that I was upset. It was a silent 20 minute ride home. Because freakin PG&E are doing some type of street work and I was not able to park in my driveway. I had to look for parking elsewhere. Luckily, the parking goddess was with me and I was able to find a space big enough for my truck to fit into on another street. Maneuvering parallel parking was more difficult than I thought. Because of my right hand still in pain, it took me close to 10 minutes to finally park her. Nani asked if I was OK. I replied, "No, my hand hurts and I'm not able to park this truck because of it". She apologized profusely and feeling very guilty, she asked if there was anything she could do. I stubbornly replied, "No" and we started to walk home. I told her to walk ahead of me because I was going to be a little slower. As she walked away with a quick stride, I could sense her remorse. Afterwards, I felt guilty for putting that on her and wanted her to know that I'm not well. Watching her walk away, I saw an image of myself at her age, strong and independent.
*************** Addendum ******************************
Before Nani went to work, she apologized to me for not thinking about my RA and for causing me pain and I apologized to her for snapping at her and telling her that the RA is not her fault. We hugged and gave each other the traditional kiss on the forehead to let each other know, we're ok.

Reducing my medication....again

yes, now I'm down to half a table of prednisone every odd day until Dec 12Th when I go back to see my RAtologist for the third phase of my medication process. I've been very tired and it seems that my hands joints have been stiff in the morning when I wake up particularly my right hand. A few days ago, I favored my right leg and limped around for most of the day. It was terrible. I had visions of not too long ago when I couldn't even walk and had trouble getting out of bed. I couldn't even roll over and my hands were very swollen as was my ankles and knees. I don't want to relive that again. Going from a strong woman who could throw 7o pound bags around was no problem and now, I couldn't even open a jar of peanut butter! Here is my medication this week:
half tablet of prednisone - every odd day/5mg
4 tablet of methotrexate - every Wed/2.5mg
1 tablet of folic acid/1mg
1 tablet of Hema-Plex multi nutrient vitamin.