Thursday, January 31, 2008

Fourth shot, left thigh

Because I have to interchange injection shots on my thigh, I have to keep track of where my last injection was and because my mind sometimes forgets, this is a good reminder for me. I took a little over half an hour to finally administer the shot, again, talking myself into it and each time looking at the end of the needle. That is what takes me so long because I tend to psyche myself out. Once done, it wasn't that bad. I have to stop looking at the needle before injection to quicken my task, next time, that is what I will do.
The rain is falling as I hear it outside on my windowsill. I instinctively sense that most of my companies inbound arrivals will be delayed due to weather and wind. My quiet time to myself is everyday which I highly guard and treasure. Luckily my 14 soon to be 15 year old son is very self sufficient and will seek my attention, when needed, in the form of his curious questions of life. When he was a little curly haired moppet, he had unending and intelligent questions that he would ask me. "Why makes the sky blue?" "Why is a tree two colors instead of one color?" I would answer him as honestly as I could. If I did not know the answer, we would seek the information from a dictionary or search the internet. Now a towering young handsome man with a voice so deep, my thoughts bring me back to his toddler days of mischief and squeals of easy laughter. Children grow so quickly when you're raising them. In between working and life, they have found the time to evolve, mold and form into productive vessels of God bringing forth good values that I have instilled in them throughout their lives.
The sound of pelting rain upon my window stirs me from my thoughts as I regain my focus on my quiet time and ready myself for work.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Tiredness

sets in as I reduce my prednisone by half a tablet. During the past week, I have been feeling rather lethargic and wanting to stay home more. Besides going to work, I'm having a difficult time completing tasks that should have been completed weeks ago. I have all of my tax documents and somehow, I am not able to persuade my body to engage in being productive. Because of the inclement weather, I have discontinued my walking regimen but that is a poor excuse for not accepting the fact that I have Toni Little's workout machine, The Gazelle, that was left behind by my daughter's ex boyfriend, down in the garage. I just need to step my voluptuous butt on it! So where am I? Cooking, concocting smoothies and preparing for my work night while watching T.V. from the comfort of my nice warm recliner.

Friday, January 25, 2008

First full week

back at work and my mood has lifted immensely. Being in the company of my co-workers and friends have an amazing effect on my soul and a restfulness of being back to work. Today represents the last paycheck that I will receive as a true part-timer. After taxes and deductions, it is such a paltry sum that I had to smirk and decide which one of my accounts would receive the dubious honor. I won't be missing that type of sick pay any time soon and I'm am genial to the fact that I can pick up more hours as long as I don't exhaust myself into ruin.
The rainfall this weekend has been plentiful and the air is colder than most. Because of the medications that I am currently taking, my weakened immune system is more susceptible to the common cold. I have added a sweater to my uniform and have taken extraordinary precautions to not approximate myself where the infirmed are. My locker is full of cold remedies and instant soups predicating that I have a healthy day. What I absolutely should do is accompany my blender to work and create my health conscience smoothies, but I would like for my blender to be there in the morning when I return. That would take an act of faith and would have to think a little more on that herculean idea.
In February my vacation relief schedule will change to the morning shift thus I will be picking up numerous evening shifts to improve the quality of my next paycheck. Anything would be better that what I recently received.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Medication

lowering of my prednisone by half a tablet this week. So far I am at one and a half tablets of prednisone at 5 MG, one folic acid tablet at 1 MG and 1 multi vitamin, daily. I take four methotrexate tablets at 10 MG every Wednesday and the Humira injection every two weeks, all of which I have faithfully taken and not missed for fear of my stiffening joints coming back to haunt me. The weather certainly doesn't play any part in it's affect on my joints as I so often hear from other sufferers. I sometimes feel a fullness in my hand joints when I curl my fingers and I look for tell tale signs of nodules and deformities as my fingers stand at attention under my inspection. I am afraid of the medications in my ample embodiment of woman and I disengage from the thoughts of what the future holds for me. Four months ago, I was a wretch from my tormenting pain and surprised by the suddenness of it all. A misery I would not wish upon anyone and executed a disguise of my endurance. This disease was altering me so aggressively, that I was not recognizable to myself anymore. Where was that sturdy, vigorous, take-charge woman that I knew? The agony was excruciating. The loneliness was more inviting, yet, lacerating and extracted me from the human race. My advantage was my family and friends who kept in touch with me often with their talk of others with my affliction. I continued to help others in their time of need to keep me active in life since I was abruptly forced to stay home. In helping them, I helped myself heal and redirected my quality of health for the better.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Morning ritual

of nourishing my infirmed body back to health would not have happened if I did not take sick leave from my employer. Tho the disease is a lifetime of pain and medications thus, manageable, I am forced to take a step back and take a closer look at my life and what I'm doing. The constant movement, travel, partying and not taking care of myself was running me into the ground. The pain of my disease, rheumatoid arthritis has given me a second chance to turn things around for myself. No longer do I eat at the airport restaurants (if my friends treat me to a salad, I won't say no) and fast food outlets, was a matter of convenience. Now I eat breakfast everyday consisting of oatmeal or Malt-O-Meal showered with non fat milk and sprinkled with a healthy dose of wheat germ, no sugar, and two pieces of wheat or white toast, generously buttered. Lunch might consist of a tuna sandwich, grilled cheese, banana and yogurt, granola cereal or a blackberry smoothie. A hot water kettle lives on my sink and is always hot for generous amounts of a variety of teas provided for by Beatrice from her pantry. Dinner varies on what is in the freezer and what I can thaw out in time. Baked salmon with lemon, Beef tomato stew, Enchiladas with green sauce, pork chops, kalua pig, rice a roni, brown and white rice and the ever faithful crock-pot for just about anything else. A big hit in my household has been tortilla wraps. The construction of my creation starts out with any type of cream cheese, vegetarian or chive with onions, as the base, then layering a generous amount of spinach and like a pizza topped with whatever you have in your refrigerator. I top it off with deli turkey meat, nonfat cheddar cheese, carrots, zucchini (sliced lengthwise) and when I'm done, I roll it up. I can either eat it like a burrito or cut it up in slices for bite sized pieces for a healthy snack. I AM A SNACKER!! I love junk which will be my downfall. Cheese puffs and Snicker bars are my weakness and won't resist them if offered. I have cut back on it but only slightly and it shows in my weight that I have picked up during these past four months off. Alas, I can truly say that I am eating healthier and better than four months ago and I feel better.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Lord, give me strength

in tempering my soul, mind and thoughts with my children. My second daughter, Pua, went AWOL last night from the facility where she was a resident. Her sometimes boyfriend, Adolpho, drove to Sacramento, picked her up and brought her to his place in Redwood City. Then drove her back to my home to spend a few days with us. It is always a problematic reunion between Nani (oldest daughter), Manny (only son) and Pua (second daughter). Nani and my son live at home with me and Pua abides her time in and out of mental facilities and group homes. She has been out of my home since she was diagnosed at 16 years old with schizophrenia, depression and was made a ward of the state at her request. Now at 23, she infrequently comes home and when she does, it can be very chaotic at times. Her facility environment consists of a tumultuous, boisterous and many times violent atmosphere to where she has her guard up twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Patients that she may call her friend one day could end up fighting her the next day without any explanation or provocation. Tempers flare quickly and often in crowded facilities like hers. Word of her escaping her facility last night was a phone call to her siblings and they in turn, called me at work. The questions, fears and worries of how Pua will manage without her medication. Pua's fear and loathing of not wanting to go back to her facility. Everyone looking at Mom and what I decide to do. Tired and wearisome, I can only go by the moments in time. Planning ahead in this particular situation is meaningless. Erratic, Nomadic and unpredictability is Pua's modus operandi and just cause for not planning. Where will she go from here? It is anyone's guess.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Reentry

back to work since yesterday has been wonderful. This is my second day on the job and my shift involves being the meal planner, billing and security checks. It's nice to see all of my co-workers and engage in their witty and humorous conversations. They are an enjoyable part of my life. Since I've been gone for my four months, I also observed that the gossipping and tattle tailing is still going on by the same people that choose to live their working life by these dramatizations. It saddens me to think ill of my co-workers like this and it makes coming to work more of a process than entertainment which can turn a four day a week work schedule into a piercing brittle thorn in my side. In the words of the famous Rodney King, "Why can't we all just get along?" That statement and those words hold true in everyday life but it is the denseness of ignorance and unfamiliarity that makes most people not want to apply it to their own lives. It is what we are taught as a young child that carries forth with us into our adult life. I recently had this conversation with Mama Diane who is a young woman with an old spirited and knowledable soul and Carmen's mother, on this topic. We can delve into the deepest of conversation and I come away with an awareness of my life. Making it better for my children as my parents have made better for me.
At work, we toil on, gossip, drama and all of it's realization put forth in full view playing out like a disastrous scene from Shakespeare. Most of the uninvolved stay out of it, some can't help but get tangled up in the labyrinth and others just plain and simple seem to feed off of this commotion. My finding: you can never please anyone, anywhere at anytime.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Weekend reminiscing

as I sit here in the badging office of the San Francisco Airport, I thought about my visit with my daughter Pua this past weekend. Her mental illness now under control with medication as we compare what we are taking and it's long term effects on our bodies, another bond that we will share for our lifetimes.
My friend Carmen may be settling out soon with her car dealership who has underhandedly and unlawfully failed to repair her car. She retained a lawyer from the Glide Memorial Church in San Francisco who is helping in her endeavor. It's wonderful to know that the "good ol boys" can't win all of the time, for that fact that anyone who thinks that they can so smugly deny someone is an injustice and deserves to reimburse back the innocent person, ten fold.
I will be starting back on my job on January 16th and am very happy about that. I have been looking on my company website looking for hours to pick up. So far, no one seems to be giving away any. I don't blame them. This economy is sliding into a major recession. No one has the money to spend and the state of our economy has shot through the roof. I have reverted to charging groceries on my credit cards and considerably every bill that comes into my home is being put on my credit cards. I can't wait to see next month's Visa statements! My W-2 is online and I am waiting patiently for the rest of my statements from the bank to complete my taxes and anticipating an early refund check. Less than a month from now, my company will be distributing my profit sharing check into my bank account. I plan on working every day for the next month, to receive a decent paycheck. Other than that, I can't think of anything else to add this already busy day.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Fibroid

I finally saw my primary physician and the results of my pelvic sonogram came back with a lone fibroid about an inch long. It is the probable cause of my heavy bleeding once a month. My last successful, "Aunty Flo" was in November 2007. I missed December and maybe even this month. It could also be the extraordinary amount of medication that I'm my body has involuntarily taken these past four months. She immediately tells me that I can have an operation to have it extracted. That will cause me to miss at least one to three more months of work due to my recovery time and possibly losing everything I have or own. Or wait a few months to see if it has grown in size and then try to remedy it then. Or my missing "Aunty Flo" for the past two months may mean that I'm on my way to menopause which in turn will dry out the fibroid and cause it to shrink and slough off. Should my fibroid decide to grow, another procedure not widely known is NovaSure. I've been reading about it since a friend of mine recommended it to me after she read about such invasive procedures. It sounds like a godsend that anything that doesn't go up your hoo ha, in your wa hoo, or out your ying yang would be welcomed. One good thing about being off from work is the amount of reading that I accomplished, crossword puzzles that kept my mind agile and emails from friends and family has kept me busy. My HR man at work has given me the green light that my doctor has certified me fit to come back to work and start on January 16th. I am elated!

Monday, January 7, 2008

A few days ago

I self injected myself with my second dose of Humira. The first one was in December in the presence of a nurse at my doctor's office. It is entirely different having a nurse eyeball you and injecting yourself on your own with this type of pen needle device. It took me approximately one hour to talk myself into the procedure. Yes, I'm a scaredy cat when it comes to needles. I don't freak out, I just don't like them. I'm hoping that this would be more effortless in the future and I'll be more tolerant of my feat.
I'm still on 2 prednisone/1 folic acid/1 metaplex multivitamin daily and 4 methotrexate on Wednesday, every week with no side effects. I've gained back my weight what I lost before going on my leave which is approximately twenty pounds. My stiffness had gone from my fingers upon waking in the morning and I can move much better since being on Humira. I try to eat breakfast most mornings and being consistent with Oatmeal or Malt-o-Meal and a piece of fruit. Since I've been home, cooking has been a wonderful process for me and especially my son since he is the main benefactor of my cooking. Recently, I bought a juicer from my local goodwill store down the street from me and it has been a much needed item in my household. I juice everything, vegetables and fruits. With the left over pulp, I blend it up with a mixture of ice and yogurt to make a nutritious smoothie. I do know that I have to start on an exercise regimen. Daily chores, laundry and washing the dishes does not count. I have to get my heart rate up and start toning up my flab if I want to live a little longer than the way that I'm going now with my health and pain management under control. Soon, I'll be starting back to work and my rat race begins forgetting my good "old habits" and acquiring and sticking to my great new habits.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Building closed

was the hand made sign taped to the glass door of my primary physician's office. I was due for an appointment to receive a consultation on a pelvic examination that I completed last week. California is still battling the storm front that arrived a few days ago, leaving in it's wake, no electricity, closed schools and businesses. Upon entering the facility parking lot, it was completely empty of cars. Number one indicator telling me that they weren't open for business. I guessed that they wouldn't know how to call me with having no electricity. The grey ominous skies and heavy rains were still hanging around and the brunt of it would be here in a few hours. I had to drive the perilous highway to San Mateo and visit my RAtologist. Getting there was half of the problem with the recent and current rains creating havoc on Highway 101. With a few inches of standing water, vehicles were hydroplaning and throwing off an exorbitant amount of water on, often times, other vehicles. People were still driving way too fast for their own good. After giving my monthly blood allotment and making sure my certification papers for my returning to work was in order, I had the arduous task of driving back home. The grey skies had grown darker, winds gusting and the rain streamed steadily down from the clouds. Traffic had tripled due to the rush hour and luckily had slowed down causing everyone to drive at a snail's pace. A sea of red brake lights illuminated the darkness, drivers content in their metal tube on wheels, listening to their music or chatting on their phones, protecting them from the elements outside. How did the caveman survive? As I approached my home, it was like a war zone. Garbage cans and recycle bins were strewn everywhere, a thick padding of pine needles, leaves and greenery adorned the streets like a homemade carpet and fallen heavy branches and the force of the strong winds, ripped and torn away from it's mate, lay in a mangled clump of wetness. What power mother nature has. In her most awesome of fury, unbridled, we are diminutive in her wake.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Ground Zero

as an extensive weather system slammed into California from a cold and gusty Alaskan front unleashing hurricane forced winds of 60 plus miles per hour and continuous rainfall. I awoke to the sounds of blaring continuous chainsaws and could not fall back to sleep. News warnings broad-casted on the radio and T.V. that if you didn't have to venture outside, don't. Airlines were cancelling flights in anticipation of the weather here and elsewhere due to weather leaving passengers stranded at local airports during this holiday week as many of tried to make it home. Power outages were frequent and luckily, mine only flickered a few times, armed with candles and flashlights at the ready, I was prepared. Peering out of my backyard window, I could hear the angry wind howling and whipping through my leafless pear tree as the branches quivered uncontrollably. The dark, grey skies foreshadowing an ominous sign of destruction and danger. One of my co-workers called to see if I had electricity, his had been out since 6:00am. I looked at our flight schedule online and advised him that all of our flights have not departed or did an air return. To him, that meant that it was going to be another long night of accommodating customers and hearing their rants. I imagined the airport would be a war zone with the winds gathering much strength there due to it's location and is subjected to high winds all the time. Yes, the object is to stay home today and stay warm. With my days numbered of when I will be returning to work, I'm truly delighted that it is not this week.