Happy Valentine's Day

to each and everyone in and around my life. Even if I don't know you, such as the case yesterday. While boarding a flight, a male passenger felt so compelled to give me a hug with arms wide open, I stopped my boarding and gave him a hug. I hope it made his day as it made mine. We affect one another is so many different ways and I totally understand comfort zones that each and everyone of us have. At that moment, he needed a hug and the spirit moved me to have the same. My life has been so busy once I got back to work. Physical Therapy have come to a halt and I am almost done with my insurance claim. My new Chiropractor, Doctor Tintor is a blessing and his receptionist is an angel. No, they haven't caught the youth who hit me from the car accident in December 2012 and yes, I lost alot of work and used alot of my personal sick time to help pay my rent and bills. I am very thankful for good medical insurance but even that needs to get paid! My daughter, Christiana is out of the hospital and into a group home for mentally challenged adults in Redwood City. Her calls have lessened and I hope she is getting the help she needs and has the wisdom to take care of herself. My son, Manny, has been busy with his own life and preparing for his leave to Air Force Boot Camp next week. All of his monthly jaunts to Travis Air Force Base for "drills" have helped him prepare for his next 6 weeks in San Antonio at Lackland Air Force Base. I am hoping that his dedication to running and exercise will get him halfway there and the rest of it will be Psychological. I wish nothing but the best for him as he continues on his journey.

"Mental Ward"

     That statement resonates in the back of my mind and brings me back to when I was a young girl of 10 years old.  My family was vacationing in Oahu, Hawaii visiting with my mother and fathers huge extended family.  My mother has 5 brothers, all but one brother,  is deceased.  My father has 19 brothers and sisters,  all but two remain living.  One beautiful bright warm Saturday morning in Laie,  we were going to visit with Aunty Pua at the Hospital.  I remembered hearing in hushed whispers, "Mento Ward" in Hawaiian pidgen language amongst my aunts and uncles.  "You going Mento Wahd go see Aunty?" They knew who she was without saying her name outright.
     The drive was not long,  sitting in the back seat with my brother Doug, sister Laurie and a few cousins along with my mom and dad in the front seat.  I can still relive that day as if it were yesterday.  We were so glad to finally be out of the car as we ran around the parking lot of the Hospital.  Our sound of laughter broke the silence of the trade-winds as the sun beat down on us.  Mom and dad "shushed" us as we walked towards what looked like a Grand Mansion with beautiful white columns and the ocean blue as it's background.  How can this be a Hospital?  I thought it to be of someones home, it was my Aunty Pua's home.  After weaving our way through a myriad of doors,  I remembered coming out of a door onto an open Lanai (patio) looking out towards the ocean and great massive trees spreading branch to branch as if shaking hands and breathing the warm scent of gardenia and plumerias into my body.  That moment of serenity was broken with shrieking and screaming and then laughter but not of children,  they were people like my mom and dad's age.  I turned to see old people, young people,  people rocking back and forth facing a wall or a window,  people chattering on and laughing at the toy rocking horse.  Nurses in white uniforms, cleaning and speaking with their energetic charges.  Frightened,  I quickly searched for my mom and dad who were not too far and was sitting and talking with an elderly woman.  I remembered her face and eyes hanging so low and sad but she was happy to see my parents and us children.  I saw my dad petting her hand and she had her head on my dads shoulder.  This was the Aunty Pua we came to visit.  Fearful,  I stayed close to mom and dad.  I could hear my mom speaking with Aunty Pua in Hawaiian, crying and heartbroken.
     Today these "Mental Wards" have politically correct names now.  Psychiatric is the word most commonly used.  Hospital and facilities to also mark the place or residence of a "Patient" and not Koo-Koo, idiot or Crazy man/woman.  My daughter Pua, has been a resident on the 3rd floor of the Psychiatric Unit at the San Mateo General Hospital for several weeks now.  Her pregnancy was terminated on Thursday Jan 17th in the afternoon.  When I received her conservatorship paperwork from the County of San Mateo to let me know of their procedure known as "Therapeutic Abortion",  my memories overwhelmed me with thoughts on how we used to view the mentally ill and how we used to shut them away, "out of sight, out of mind".  I'm very glad for our progress and cures and how far we have become as an American Nation.  We have moved forward from this stigma that many countries still discriminate against it, ridicule,  lock people away and even put to death.  God Bless America! 

Susceptible

sus·cep·ti·ble

[suh-sep-tuh-buh l] 

accessible or especially liable or subject to some influence, mood, agency, etc.: susceptible to colds; susceptible to flattery.

    A visit to my Primary Doctors this week proved uneventful.  It was mainly to see how I was coming along on my Physical Therapy treatments on my soft tissue injuries due to my car accident.  Doc Yan stated that since I have Rheumatoid Arthritis,  I am susceptible to any injuries lasting normal than what a healthy body would be.  Meaning that my healing time would take much longer,  well, DUH!  These doctor and Physical Therapy visits including only being able to work 1 day since the accident, compiled on top of my dealing with  insurance company has been leaving me in a depressed mood all week.  Stress, anxiety and low energy has been giving me low grade headaches that I normally don't get.  I'm off for one more week until Jan. 21st. 

     My daughter Christiana is at San Mateo General Hospital and has been there for a few weeks to help get her own medication for her mental illness up to speed which she has forgone because of her pregnancy.   She has been calling me almost everyday to come and see her or bring her something.  I thought to just take a time-out from her life and get mine in order.  Seems that I never get a chance to deal with my life but I deal with everyone's  first.  Since all of my children have moved out of my home,  I would think that would be the ideal time for myself, WRONG!  No matter what age my children/young adults,  they will always need something,  guidance, wisdom, small talk, money, material things and most of all, love and support.  I helped her social worker, Kelsey move all her belongings from the Sequoia Hotel in Redwood City to my home and house her items until she is well enough on her own.  In the meantime,  her boyfriend, who is the "baby daddy" is in his own world and one of whom I don't want to associate with because of his own addiction to Crystal Meth and a bad host of crap that I don't want to be a part of.         

Happy New Year

     Just a few more hours until I am fully on my way into the New Year, 2013.  I am still off from work due to my pinched nerve in my left shoulder preventing me from lifting heavy bags.  There are a few jobs that  my company can put me in the "light duty" department aspect of what I do.  I see my primary doctor tomorrow and will follow up on the out come of when i go back to work with another physical therapy appointment on Thursday.
     My daughter Pua called and left a message on my phone from San Mateo General Hospital where she had to self-admit herself last week due to her not taking her medications for her Mental Illness causing her "voices" to come back with a vengeance.  Her reason for not taking her medication is that she is three months pregnant and did not want to harm the baby with these strong drugs.  Throw in her somewhat mentally ill boyfriend. Adolpho,  who takes her medication and Crystal meth and whatever else he needs to self-medicate himself with,  she is going to have a long, hard road ahead of her.  I've always suggested to her to write her own memoirs and thoughts into a blog,  she prefers journals.  Her young life has been disturbing and harrowing.  I,  and only I,  am the  reluctant involuntary passenger into her  wild ride of the fearful and dark unknown.  There is no happy ending,  only switchbacks to where we first started this perilous journey which repeats itself like a phonographs skipping needle on a warped record,  over and over and over and over again.

Pua is MIA (missing in action)

again and called me to tell me that she had broken a window at her facility (again) and had her boyfriend Adolpho waiting in his car to pick her up to bring her back to the bay area. Those two remind of a modern day "Bonnie and Clyde". Now she is Redwood City living with her boyfriend who is living with his Aunt and some odd children in a crowded two bedroom apartment. I'm not sure she will last long in her state without her medication and I'm sure she will start to wear as the week goes along. A few days later she called to tell me that she was arguing with Adolpho and wanted to seek refuge at my house. I told her "no" and that she should work out whatever problems she has with him and to communicate her concerns. Eventually they worked out whatever it was that bothered her and seemed content on staying where she was at. I'll have her over for a visit at another time.
I'm still cleaning and multi-tasking my home and very much doing most of the work by myself. It is an arduous task to get a phenomenal amount of work done under a deadline. Aside from working, I come home to work on the house. I wake up and work on the house and then go to work. I've curbed my working hours and have slacked off at picking up hours to get my house done before the Open house next week Sunday. Once that is all finally done, I will resume my work hours by picking up more to pad my paycheck. I am planning a long awaited International trip to Dublin, Ireland and London next month for my two week vacation. It will be a much needed time off from everything and everyone. I'm so looking forward to this journey. While my home is on the market, I'm crossing my fingers and hope that it will sell well and hopefully I will have a buyer by the end of summer. I'm optimistic about that, I have to be. My home looks great, I staged it well. It still needs some work, painting the front and back. Not huge monumental tasks but easily done in a few days time. Aside from that, I will be done with everything and I can finally sit back, take a deep breath and have an ice cold beer! My home will be on the market next week.

Mental Ilness

is pervasive and crosses all facets of human life. The Harvard grad doctors make their diagnosis and hand down their unkind verdicts to overwhelmed and financially strapped family members as they listen to what the specialists say. How do I cope? How do I fulfill my obligation as a parent? The helpless feeling that I get when I can't do for my own child. I can only take a step back, observe and listen.
I have noticed a significant improvement in my second daughter, Pua, during this year. She is much more coherent, clear and a very good conversationalist. I haven't observed any suicidal tendencies and haven't noticed any more cuts on her arms. We are very close to where she would tell me if she has cut or injured herself. Her outlook on life isn't as bleak as it was two years ago where her mind was in a very dark place. A place I wasn't sure if she could get out from or recognize. With a very good mental health system at the Crestwood facility in Sacramento, they gave her the time she needed to grow into a young woman who today, is much more sure of herself. I am very proud of how far she has come. There were days during her teen years where I wasn't sure if she would make it to her 18th or 21st birthdays. I always had it in the back of my mind that a phone call from the facility or police station would be like a soldier in the military and the chaplain would drive up and knock on your door to give you the news about your child's demise. I would dread that day and to be honest, I don't want to think about it but it is always there in my mind. Pua, has grown into a beautiful young woman who has a lot on her mind. If I could get her to write her own blog, she would have so much to say as a young woman dealing with schizophrenia and depression. She has written very graphic letters depicting her life on the edge, the voices that she constantly hears, the cursing and anger in her words spewing venom on what is going on in her mind. The constant pulling and wires firing in her brain, the sometimes empty look in her eyes of one without a soul. The terror of leaving her at home with family members who did not want to be alone with her for their fear of her and what she could be capable of. I'm talking about my brother who is 5'11" 285 lbs and scared of his neice who is all of 5'6" 145lbs! For the most part of my visits, she is always supervised and I never leave her alone anymore with family members. Our visiting time is always together, shopping, restaurants and overnight visits. The only time she is out of my sight is when she smokes or goes to the restroom. She is not a flight risk and I trust her time out of the facility is doing her good. She is looking forward to getting her own apartment again, this time being a little older and more confident of living on her own. My daughter is a survivor and I love her.

Lord, give me strength

in tempering my soul, mind and thoughts with my children. My second daughter, Pua, went AWOL last night from the facility where she was a resident. Her sometimes boyfriend, Adolpho, drove to Sacramento, picked her up and brought her to his place in Redwood City. Then drove her back to my home to spend a few days with us. It is always a problematic reunion between Nani (oldest daughter), Manny (only son) and Pua (second daughter). Nani and my son live at home with me and Pua abides her time in and out of mental facilities and group homes. She has been out of my home since she was diagnosed at 16 years old with schizophrenia, depression and was made a ward of the state at her request. Now at 23, she infrequently comes home and when she does, it can be very chaotic at times. Her facility environment consists of a tumultuous, boisterous and many times violent atmosphere to where she has her guard up twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Patients that she may call her friend one day could end up fighting her the next day without any explanation or provocation. Tempers flare quickly and often in crowded facilities like hers. Word of her escaping her facility last night was a phone call to her siblings and they in turn, called me at work. The questions, fears and worries of how Pua will manage without her medication. Pua's fear and loathing of not wanting to go back to her facility. Everyone looking at Mom and what I decide to do. Tired and wearisome, I can only go by the moments in time. Planning ahead in this particular situation is meaningless. Erratic, Nomadic and unpredictability is Pua's modus operandi and just cause for not planning. Where will she go from here? It is anyone's guess.

Weekend reminiscing

as I sit here in the badging office of the San Francisco Airport, I thought about my visit with my daughter Pua this past weekend. Her mental illness now under control with medication as we compare what we are taking and it's long term effects on our bodies, another bond that we will share for our lifetimes.
My friend Carmen may be settling out soon with her car dealership who has underhandedly and unlawfully failed to repair her car. She retained a lawyer from the Glide Memorial Church in San Francisco who is helping in her endeavor. It's wonderful to know that the "good ol boys" can't win all of the time, for that fact that anyone who thinks that they can so smugly deny someone is an injustice and deserves to reimburse back the innocent person, ten fold.
I will be starting back on my job on January 16th and am very happy about that. I have been looking on my company website looking for hours to pick up. So far, no one seems to be giving away any. I don't blame them. This economy is sliding into a major recession. No one has the money to spend and the state of our economy has shot through the roof. I have reverted to charging groceries on my credit cards and considerably every bill that comes into my home is being put on my credit cards. I can't wait to see next month's Visa statements! My W-2 is online and I am waiting patiently for the rest of my statements from the bank to complete my taxes and anticipating an early refund check. Less than a month from now, my company will be distributing my profit sharing check into my bank account. I plan on working every day for the next month, to receive a decent paycheck. Other than that, I can't think of anything else to add this already busy day.

Holidays

I'm sorry for not writing anything in between. Life has kept me busy. My second daughter Pua is in Sacramento. She was in the hospital and is now at a Mental facility which has close monitoring of their patients. That's a good thing for her because she needs the discipline of being in a controlled facility, medication fed and cordoned off from society because of the effects from "falling off the wagon" can do to you as a young person. She is easily influenced, boyfriends come and go like running water and none of them really care about her but that's OK because none of them matter to her. She will take the "drink" or an occasional drug offering (inhaled or ingested) from whomever will offer it to her. As far as I know and have seen, she does not "shoot up" any drugs. She worries constantly about the medication she's taking and knows what ones work for her and which ones that do not. She is very vocal to her doctors and will let them know which ones make her gain weight or make her fatigued. She's a wonderful advocate for herself, loves to write poems and stories about her young life. Pua can get highly charged about a subject and is very passionate about life sometimes. Then there are the darker days where her voices have taken over and say things to her that one can only imagine. She has tried to kill herself several times by either overdosing on her medications or slitting her wrists. Pua will have conversations with them as if they were right there in front of her, cursing, angry and screaming at them to leave her alone. I can see the tiredness in her face and in the whole of her body when she goes through episodes like this. She excuses herself to nap and all the while she is awake and can't sleep because of the silent torment that her voices have waged war against her. To my little girl, now a woman, the thought of death comes easily.