Coming to a close

as my home has been on the market for a little over one month and there has been very good "foot traffic" as my realtor calls it. Talks with my bank, Downey Savings proved exhausting and futile. Inspite of everything, a single woman working part-time with a 15 year old son cannot afford to live in a home anywhere in California. Faced with the facts, even if I could rent out my in-law apartment downstairs and make part of my monthly mortgage, there are still maintenance issues that come up every other month.
My now beautiful home will belong to someone else. With all that I've been through this past two months, home, realtors, maintenance, work, my RA has been the least of my worries. I am ready to sell and call it a day. I received an offer over the weekend, $20,000.00 below my asking price after dropping down from $565,000.00 (dream price) to $495 (more realistic) price. After advisement from my realtor, I countered. With a steady stream of people coming in to see my home, I am hoping for a few more good offers which I can still entertain while "countering". With that said, I am also preparing for a trip to Ireland and London and will be leaving next week. I am highly looking forward to my respite to recharge my spirit on my journey.
I loved that fact that I lived by myself for a few weeks, without my daughters and son being in the home due to the constant flow of realtors coming to the house. The quietness, solitude and stillness that is in place when you live alone. I had visitors over which I very much welcomed now that my home had been "de-cluttered" and staged wonderfully with art and paintings that I accumulated over my years with frequent trips to "Savors" just two blocks away from me. My daughter is living with friends and will hopefully stay on her own and my son is staying with numerous cousins and his father while i'm in this transitioning stage. It has been hard on my son and I could tell by the way he visits me when he comes home to pick up clothes and such. "I miss this house" he would say to me. Just by his quiet tone, I can tell that he doesn't want to leave either.

Open House

My house is finally finished, paint, Spackle, vacuum, vinyl tile replacement, tons of cleaning, mopping, scrubbing, caulking, garage repair, install lighting, overhead stove fan, fix a broken toilet, donate stuff I wont' use anymore, frequenting Lowe's and Home Depot, store stuff that I need to still sort out, kicking out my brother that has moved in at his convenience, telling my oldest daughter Nani that she needs to grow up and go live with someone or anyone and go on her own, having two of my very good family friends, Mama Diane and Beatrice come over and meticulously clean my daughters apartment, shuttling out my son to his cousins for an unknown amount of time, getting rid of clutter and pretty much a major overhaul of my home. That's what I've been working on since the end of May to now and I'm finally finished. In between working and home, I've been so tired that I've been falling asleep as soon as I sit down for a break or any spare amount of time that I get. Today was the first day where I didn't lift a paint brush, box cutter, tool of any type. No errands to tend or any important tasks to get done. It is finally done. I rested until 11:00am and that is the longest time that I've taken out for myself. It was nice to rest and have this now beautiful house all to myself. My open house was yesterday and from what my realtor said is that the foot traffic was good and there was quite a bit of interest. She thinks that the asking price is a little high and we may need to lower it. I was in agreement. Anything to get the home sold and pay off my bank and hopefully have a little money left over for me. I don't want to be a homeowner anymore. The taxes, monthly allocation of monies that are needed to go to repairing the home and the daily and weekly upkeep and all of this on my own. I'm not a two earner family but a single mother of a 15 year old son who thinks I'm an ATM! I could very well do without all of that. My dream is not to own a home but to enjoy my life. With my RA now is check and medication working to make me work, it will be a matter of time before I really become disabled. I'm hoping that the time will be further along in my future or maybe not. I want to travel, take some time off from work and see all of the things that I've read in books and readings. But for now, it's work and more work. But today, I'm at rest.

Pua is MIA (missing in action)

again and called me to tell me that she had broken a window at her facility (again) and had her boyfriend Adolpho waiting in his car to pick her up to bring her back to the bay area. Those two remind of a modern day "Bonnie and Clyde". Now she is Redwood City living with her boyfriend who is living with his Aunt and some odd children in a crowded two bedroom apartment. I'm not sure she will last long in her state without her medication and I'm sure she will start to wear as the week goes along. A few days later she called to tell me that she was arguing with Adolpho and wanted to seek refuge at my house. I told her "no" and that she should work out whatever problems she has with him and to communicate her concerns. Eventually they worked out whatever it was that bothered her and seemed content on staying where she was at. I'll have her over for a visit at another time.
I'm still cleaning and multi-tasking my home and very much doing most of the work by myself. It is an arduous task to get a phenomenal amount of work done under a deadline. Aside from working, I come home to work on the house. I wake up and work on the house and then go to work. I've curbed my working hours and have slacked off at picking up hours to get my house done before the Open house next week Sunday. Once that is all finally done, I will resume my work hours by picking up more to pad my paycheck. I am planning a long awaited International trip to Dublin, Ireland and London next month for my two week vacation. It will be a much needed time off from everything and everyone. I'm so looking forward to this journey. While my home is on the market, I'm crossing my fingers and hope that it will sell well and hopefully I will have a buyer by the end of summer. I'm optimistic about that, I have to be. My home looks great, I staged it well. It still needs some work, painting the front and back. Not huge monumental tasks but easily done in a few days time. Aside from that, I will be done with everything and I can finally sit back, take a deep breath and have an ice cold beer! My home will be on the market next week.

Happy Mother's Day

as I spend a nice quiet weekend at my favorite Las Vegas Hotel, The Rio. The thought about spending three days alone and by myself is selfish but much needed in my family life of chaos and work. Three days without someone by my side to talk to or have lunch with or to lay out by the pool is selfish, but how many of us can say that or have that kind of time or would want to purposely venture on alone? Not many and yet many of us do. I am connected with my laptop and cell phone yet the urge and necessity for human contact is first and foremost. I regal in my solitude and still feel the pang of loneliness but the thought of my flying back home to unorganized chaos is overwhelming and I sit back in the comfort of my lounge chair in the warmth of the sun hearing sounds of the waterfalls and children playing in the background.
My son's birthday is today as he turns 15 years old. A handsome young man, dark features, clean cut, tall, lanky and built, obvious from his workout with free weights. His voice deeper as he ages, is my heart and soul. I wonder about his future and hope that he has the strength to carry him though his life journey of human trial and tribulations. I hope that I am a good enough role model for him as his mother and sometimes father.
As I drift off to sleep, I think good thoughts and try not to worry about the negatives in my life and focus more on the positive. I thank God that I am able to rise up from my bed in the morning, to open my eyes and take a deep breath and put my two feet on the floor to stand up and take the first steps in my day. I am very thankful for that.

Mortgage meltdown

I have been in talks on the phone with my mortgage lenders as my monthly payments have been overwhelming since I was on sick leave for four months and not able to keep up with my mortgage. Foreclosure looms in the distance and I have done everything possible to keep from losing my home. Downey has received my packet information for a loan modification but it will take four to six weeks to process. In the meantime, I am to call back every week to check on the status of the packet and where I am in the process. There is no foreclosure date, yet. I am hoping that they will modify my loan to where I can pay a respectable amount a month and not some outrageous sum for the next year or two. I have made up my mind to try to sell my home and just be a renter. I am totally satisfied with that. I have retained my realtor who sold my father's home in Pacifica and found this nice house in Daly City complete with an in-law apartment downstairs. My oldest daughter, Nani, who rents from me has not paid me any rent and I have told her that I cannot support a 24 year old! I suggested that she go and live with her boyfriend, Sergio, who she has recently gotten back together with and has been seeing. I did catch him on my front door stoop trying to leave an overnight bag that she had forgotten and confronted him about her staying with him. Like any man, he made up excuses that he lives on his own and likes living by himself since his mother moved back to Central America. But he calls my daughter when he wants to spend time with her to stay overnight at his place. Well you know what, Sergio? Take her, the hell, with you! Then I wouldn't have to see your free loading butt in my house! I did tell my daughter that when we sell this house, I will be moving into a 2 bedroom apartment for my son and I only. She's welcome to stay with us, but it will out in the front living room. It is very hard to live in California to afford a home or apartment here. Adult children moving back in with their parents. Children don't want to help their parents out with much especially if the adult children's money is going to important things like, partying with their friends. They eat your food, use your laundry detergent and have no decency to respect your home. It's the "GEN-M's" Generation moochers! I'm only speaking on behalf of my daughter. There may be more out there like her but then again, I know that there are alot of other self respecting young adults who do have their crap together and know what it takes to make it out in the world. Some just take a little longer.

Where have you been?

It has been some time since I have posted here. I have many half written and almost finished posts that I need to set up to send out but have not had a chance to do that. Work has been tremendously busy as well as my life. My taxes were sent out on the due date online only to be rejected by the IRS due to the father claiming my son on his taxes as a dependant and for what? The boy hardly sees that dead beat anyway. After re-submitting the paper and extra documentation by snail mail, I will again wait for their decision.
Also, I am trying to work out a lower payment factor in my mortgage in the hopes of NOT being one of the millions of homeowners who are walking away from their properties and mailing in my keys or the so called "jingle mail" syndrome. Gas prices are high, food prices are even higher. My grocery bill has gone up by at least $50.00 more than usual and we've scaled back on our buying strategies and sticking on what we really need or are going to cook for the next few days. I'm stocking up on soups since that is relatively cheap but loaded with sodium and only for a raining day to fill in.
I've been picking up lots of hours at work and padding my paycheck to counter the rising prices of our economy but it's a no win situation. Just try to stay afloat and surviving.
My RA has been easy to work with as long as I am taking my medication. Granted, I missed my Humira by three days and I'm hoping that it won't be a big deal when I take my second dose this month, on-time!
Beatrice finally got her annuity rolled over into an IRA and is very estatic about that but in the same breath, she found out a very good friend and choir sister has passed away today and is feeling very sad about that. I'm hoping that my life will start to unwrinkle the numerous bumps in the road as I go along and trying hard not to think the worse.

Mental Ilness

is pervasive and crosses all facets of human life. The Harvard grad doctors make their diagnosis and hand down their unkind verdicts to overwhelmed and financially strapped family members as they listen to what the specialists say. How do I cope? How do I fulfill my obligation as a parent? The helpless feeling that I get when I can't do for my own child. I can only take a step back, observe and listen.
I have noticed a significant improvement in my second daughter, Pua, during this year. She is much more coherent, clear and a very good conversationalist. I haven't observed any suicidal tendencies and haven't noticed any more cuts on her arms. We are very close to where she would tell me if she has cut or injured herself. Her outlook on life isn't as bleak as it was two years ago where her mind was in a very dark place. A place I wasn't sure if she could get out from or recognize. With a very good mental health system at the Crestwood facility in Sacramento, they gave her the time she needed to grow into a young woman who today, is much more sure of herself. I am very proud of how far she has come. There were days during her teen years where I wasn't sure if she would make it to her 18th or 21st birthdays. I always had it in the back of my mind that a phone call from the facility or police station would be like a soldier in the military and the chaplain would drive up and knock on your door to give you the news about your child's demise. I would dread that day and to be honest, I don't want to think about it but it is always there in my mind. Pua, has grown into a beautiful young woman who has a lot on her mind. If I could get her to write her own blog, she would have so much to say as a young woman dealing with schizophrenia and depression. She has written very graphic letters depicting her life on the edge, the voices that she constantly hears, the cursing and anger in her words spewing venom on what is going on in her mind. The constant pulling and wires firing in her brain, the sometimes empty look in her eyes of one without a soul. The terror of leaving her at home with family members who did not want to be alone with her for their fear of her and what she could be capable of. I'm talking about my brother who is 5'11" 285 lbs and scared of his neice who is all of 5'6" 145lbs! For the most part of my visits, she is always supervised and I never leave her alone anymore with family members. Our visiting time is always together, shopping, restaurants and overnight visits. The only time she is out of my sight is when she smokes or goes to the restroom. She is not a flight risk and I trust her time out of the facility is doing her good. She is looking forward to getting her own apartment again, this time being a little older and more confident of living on her own. My daughter is a survivor and I love her.

I can’t you idiot! I’m not an able bodied person!!!”

As quoted by Sasha from "living with RA". I totally know that she means by that statement. People in general, we like to believe, are good citizens in human society. Working at the airport, I know all too well about the living and able bodied people versus the disabled and families travelling with very young children. Impatience does not belong in the flying world of hurried travellers and trying to be the 1st one on board so that you can get your carry on luggage in the overhead bins. We neglect to see this and in our own selfish virtue, we become concerned about number one, ourselves. Travelling in 1st class, they are in their own world. Once they are on that red or blue carpet, who they leave behind in the boarding area is of no concern to them. Usually the next section to board is the frequent flyer's some of whom it can take up to 10 minutes to board alone. Some of them will be agitated since they did not buy or get upgraded to 1st class. Others will be completely beside themselves if families with children or the disabled are boarded before them sometimes causing a scene with their unkind comments or dagger throwing glares. "How dare they be boarded before me!" To these people, I think, 9/11 did not happen, the War in Iraq is a joke, Hitler loved African Americans, everyone is alive and well after the Katrina Hurricane and our economy is doing excellent. I know that these are not true at all. But it is easy to forget, put away and go on in the minds of most Americans. If we keep remembering these things, we might be a little more kinder and not harsh with a driving edge. We might learn to find our purpose and live together just a little longer on this place we call Earth.

Finality

of it all. I am here in Las Vegas having attended a funeral of a co-worker that I worked with many years ago during my early years. He passed away from a heart attack and left a wife and adult children. Many nice things were said about him and every one of them true. The collage made by his family showed his life and loves. His true age did not show being only 71 years young. As I watched him being lowered into the cement ground vault brought me back to my own father's burial almost nine years ago in the same place of interment, the Veteran's Cemetery located in Boulder City. It was eerie and sad. My own sadness and loss of a parent is hard. It is still nine years later and I foster that void in a part of my heart, a missing link.
The final closing of the cement lid and the empty sound that it makes in the breeze of the wind. The harshness of this dessert region combined with the living and the dead is a reality check of how fragile my life is. How life is given and how life is taken, in the blink of an eye, the sighing of a last breath and the light that leads you from now to forever. Surely, If I were to be taken now, I would have so much unfinished business that I don't want to leave my family members without resolving much of it. I would so miss life, the breaths, the joy and my friends and family. What will they think when I can't say goodbye? If I love them with all of my heart and show them, then there is no need to say goodbye

Happy Birthday

to me. 46 years young, Rheumatoid arthritis, 2 adult daughters, one soon to be 15 year old son and spending this special day on a mini vacation with my good friend Darrell in Hawaii. Barely making it on the American Airline nonstop to Honolulu, we were given excellent seats in Coach. Spring Break is just around the corner and we are taking a big chance on standing by for seats to the island paradise and it is so worth it. Our hotel is just across the street from the famous Waikiki Beach which the bell boy stated when we asked, "where is the pool?" He pointed to the beach and said, "We have the biggest pool in the world!" We did alot of walking on this trip which was beneficial for me. Eventually, a beautiful convertible Sebring won out and we rented that for two days and toured the Makaha side of the island stopping at desolate beaches, cave exploring and in search of my craving for "Hawaiian poke". I was Darrell's tour guide and the price was right. I took him to all of the places that I used to visit with cousin's and enjoyed our tourist outing. We visited the flea market at Aloha stadium and were admitted inside to watch children playing soccer. There was a festival on the beach of Waikiki complete with a giant screen to watch documentaries on Hawaiian life, we strolled the boardwalk and sat out on the pier to hear the gentle ocean waves and feel the tropical breeze while watching the flickering city lights in the background. We followed the beating drums to the Waikiki Shell and were let in free of charge to view a Tahitian competition and applauded the winners. Our walking took us along the path of the Ala Wai Canal and the liquid quietness of it's water.
During the day, we would visit the Royal Hawaiian Hotel and enjoy it's signature drink, The Royal Hawaiian Mai tai enticing us to drink from the womb of a fresh pineapple. Deliciously intoxicating. People watching the Waikiki beach goers. Taking view of a parade on our day of departure. With in this short amount of time, we accomplished quite a lot. Darrell and I are wonderful travelling partners and go with the flow of our journey. What ever falls into our laps, literally, we take it and enjoy it to the fullest. Alas, our time to go home was the saddest having to leave for rainy California. We know that Hawaii will be there waiting for us to enjoy and it is just a plane ride away.